Hello again! First off, I have to say thank
you to everyone who took the time to read my first blog post. You don’t have
any idea how great it felt to be extremely authentic and allow for people to
get to know the real me. I have felt nothing but love, compassion, friendship,
and support. I love you all so much and feel extremely blessed to have you all
in my life. I was beyond terrified to actually post the first entry to this
blog. I may or may not have had to walk away from the computer a few times before
I hit post, and I am glad that I posted it. All that I can say is thank you
all.
This past week a lot of things have
happened because of my coming out post. I have had a lot of opportunities to
talk and to be myself. There have also been a lot of great conversations that
have been had with a lot of great people in my life. One of those conversations
was had with one of my friends from childhood. We grew up in the same ward and
he has always been a great example to me, and I am forever grateful for his friendship.
He asked me a really good question that I will address in a little bit in this
blog, but before I get to that, I want to address something that was just
brought to my mind, but that I think I have actually been thinking about for
quite some time thanks to a certain TV show that I watch . . .
The thing that brought this topic to my
mind was the movie “Charly.” It is a cheesy, depressing, wonderful LDS movie
(that brings me to tears every single time I watch it) that I haven’t watched
probably since the mission. There is a quote in the movie that, while I was
watching it tonight, kind of struck me really hard. In the movie, Sam asks
Charly why she asked him out again, and she responds by saying, “Truthfully you intrigue me. A grown man who actually believes
in fairy tales, but does he actually believe it or has he just never read
anything else?” This quote kind of hit me like a ton of bricks and made me
start to think about a lot of things in my life, but it brought me back to my
conversation I had with this great friend, and this conversation was great for
me because it made me think a lot about where I stand.
So we were talking and he
said, “Kevin, I have to ask you
this, and it may sound insensitive or something, but I just want to understand.
What makes you want to stay in the church?” Of all the questions I could be
asked after coming out, this was not the question I was expecting, but it lead
me to think a lot about it as I answered. Why, as a gay man, do I want to stay in the church?
What is it about the church that makes me want to stay an active member? In all
honesty ever leaving the church has never even seemed like a possibility to me,
but this question made me actually think about my reasons why for a second. Is
all of this all just a fairy tale, or do I actually believe it and know it to
be truth?
So, what makes me want to
stay in the church? First and foremost, I have a pretty solid testimony in the
restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have prayed about it and I cannot
deny for any reason the answers that I have received that yes, God the Father
and His Son Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith in answer to his prayer.
Through the Prophet Joseph Smith Christ restored His church to the Earth with
all of the priesthood and fullness of the gospel. I have absolutely no doubt in
the Book of Mormon. It is the word of God. I know this because I have prayed
about it and received a spiritual confirmation of this that I cannot ever deny.
I know that we have a prophet today, Thomas S. Monson, and that he receives the
revelation necessary to guide us in these latter days.
My next reason is because of
my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I have experienced the atonement
in my life more times than I could ever count. Most recently when I was having
probably the hardest, longest, most difficult week of my life, I felt Him lift
me up when I felt like all I wanted to do was wallow in my own self-pity. I
have felt His loving arms enfold me through the actions of so many other
people. I have felt His love for me through so many different experiences, be
they a text message out of the blue, a loving and strong embrace, words of
kindness, and countless other ways. I have absolutely no doubt that Jesus
Christ loves me and atoned for me. I know that He knows exactly what I am going
through in every stage of my life, and He has never left me alone.
One other reason is that I
cannot deny the feelings I have had as I have communed with my Heavenly Father,
be that through prayer, church attendance, scripture study, or going to the
temple. I know that God lives and that I am one of His children. I read one
time a quote by Ezra Taft Benson that I believe fully that says, "Nothing
will surprise us more than when we get to heaven and see the Father and realize
how well we know Him and how familiar His face is to us." I believe that
so much. I believe that I had a personal relationship with Him before I was
born, that I continue to have a personal relationship with Him now, and will
only further that relationship in the next life. His ways are absolute, and I
cannot change them. I believe completely that His ways are perfect, and I can't
argue them. I love my Heavenly Father and I know that He loves me.
So those are some of my
reasons as to why I want to, and will always, stay in the church. I have made
covenants with my Heavenly Father that I don't intend to break. Do I still have
a lot of questions? Definitely. Are there still hard days? Absolutely. Are
there confusing feelings? Of course. What I have learned though is that this is
COMPLETELY okay. I have to realize that life is a journey and not an event. I
am always going to be learning and growing, as long as I do my part. I know
that the Gospel of Jesus Christ IS NOT just a fairy tale. I know that it is the
truth.
I can’t deny the truth. I
will defend it until the day I die. Yes, I have some extremely emotionally
challenging days. I have moments where I think, “Why am I torturing myself?”
There are moments where I just want to curl up in a ball and scream at the top of
my lungs because I don’t know what to do with all of my confusing feelings,
feelings I never actually let myself feel before, but I am okay with that,
because when I start to feel like I don’t know what to do, I am reminded
exactly what to do, and that is to get on my knees and pour my soul out to my
Heavenly Father. He truly does listen to me. He truly is there when I am
praying, and I have absolutely no doubt in that. I know He hears me. I haven’t
received all of the answers to my many, MANY questions, but I also know that I
don’t need to have all of the answers right now. As much as I would like to
have all of the answers, a very good friend told me something that I
hope he doesn’t care that I share. He told me, “On questions, sometimes it is nice
to remember that we don’t have all the answers.” This simple phrase actually
changed a lot of my outlook recently on some of my many questions and
confusions in my crazy life. Sometimes it is nice to remember that I don’t
have, or need, all of the answers. I need to take a step back and just let
myself breath for a moment and enjoy where life is taking me. Do I know what my
happy ending looks like? Yes and no. Eternally speaking, yes. I do know that in
the eternities I have the opportunity to return to God and be just like Him.
Will I get married in this life? Probably not, but thankfully God is a God of
love and I am an eternal being. There is a 1000 year period where I will have
the opportunity to have an eternal family, and I am grateful for that eternal
perspective that I have been blessed with. This perspective doesn’t necessarily
make the hard days go away, but it makes them bearable. I am just learning to
be myself, the real Kevin, within the bounds that the Lord has set. So, do I
truly believe in fairy tales? Yes. As Snow White/Mary Margaret says, “What
exactly do you think fairy tales are? They are a reminder that our lives can
get better if we hold on to hope. Your happy ending might not be what you
expect, but that is what will make it special.” Good thing the gospel is not a
fairy tale though.
The church is true! I love
you all!
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