My Life is Many Stories

"Once Upon A Time" is back and that makes me happy. This show is absolutely amazing, one of the greatest shows on television. This season started off with some interesting themes and wonderful scenes and it was so much fun to be able to watch it again. It was like reconnecting with a long lost friend. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. There was a scene at the end of the episode that was one of the most impactful things that I have ever seen on television. Regina and Snow were talking about their relationship as step-mother step-daughter, and Regina was pretty blunt and just basically said that she was a terrible step-mother. She asked Snow how she had hope, and Snow told her that Regina was the one who taught her that hope was a choice, which in and of itself is a wonderful and impacting statement, one that I need to actually focus on and make an effort to believe and to make that choice, but then Regina gave a monologue that was one most touching, thought provoking, and impacting thing that I have ever seen and gave me so much to think about:

"The only story I heard was the one I kept telling myself, that I was the Evil Queen, until finally I forgot the most important thing, my life was never just one story. It was many stories. To some a villain. I hurt people in ways I can never make up for. To others I'm a hero. They see my strength, my ability to do the hard things even when I thought I couldn't. I want to start a new story, one where the Evil Queen doesn't get a part, and I choose to believe that this story will have a better ending than my last." 

I don't even know where to begin with this, but I will just say that those of you who know me probably know what my reaction to this was. If you guessed tears then you are right! This scene had me bawling. There is a lot of truth in this monologue, and so many things that were said in this one minute of screen time that had me thinking a lot about my life and the many roles that I have played in it, and the many roles that other people have played in it as well.

 ". . . my life was never just one story. It was many stories." Just think of this for a second. Sometimes I get caught up in just one thing that is going on in my life and that is the entire focus. What I forget sometimes is that there are a lot of stories playing out at the same time that I am involved in, all of which are helping to determine the outcome, determine whether or not I find the happiness that I have been searching for for so long. It isn't just one linear story, but life is complex and intricate, full of twists and turns that can be completely unexpected, but we are all heading towards the same destination. An oracle in the premier basically laid it out plane and simple to Emma when she said, "You can change the path to the destination, but the destination is the same." That destination is a reunion with my Heavenly Father, one that I hope brings joy and happiness, not shame or regret. What I do now in my life determines the path that I am on. I can hold onto the iron rod as is taught in the Book of Mormon and stay close to my Savior, or I can leave into the mists of darkness and get lost along the way. Eventually though we will all have that chance to stand before God and be awarded a kingdom of glory based on our faithfulness to staying on the path.

 There are many roles that we play in our own lives, but there are also roles that we play in the lives of others. I am not perfect, not by any means, and I for sure can look back at my life and see exactly what Regina was referring to when she said that to some she was the villain. I have for sure been the villain in the lives of others at times. I for sure have been hurtful and neglectful, mean and terrible, and have done and said things that I cannot ever take back. I have for sure been the villain in other people's stories, but also in my own story. The good thing is that there is always a chance for redemption and the villain doesn't always have to stay that way. The point of this TV show is one of hope, and hope exists for every single character, and it is that way in life as well. Every single one of us have the exact same hope, found through a loving Savior who sacrificed Himself, atoned for our sins, and made possible this redemption. It is glorious to think about. So this role of a villain that I have played, and that others have played in my life, don't have to be the only things we are known for.

"To others I'm a hero. They see my strength, my ability to do the hard things even when I thought I couldn't." I think that we all want to be known as the heroes of our stories. We all want to be seen as a shining beacon of light, as someone who has made the most of their life and done something to be remembered for. I think that that is a normal and natural thing to hope for, and something that is noble to fight for. Do I feel like a hero? No, not at all, but I want to be. I have some heroes in my life who have done so much for me in ways that are beyond powerful to me. I have a friend who is a hero to me, whether he knows it or not, and if he is reading this I hope that he realizes how much of a hero he is to me. To me a hero is someone who doesn't boast of themselves, someone who is just doing their best and living their life, letting their light shine and building people up. They know they aren't perfect, but in their imperfection they just move forward. They don't pretend to be someone they are not, but they are constantly working on being the best versions of themselves that they can be, love everyone for who they are, and are willing to help those they love in any situation they may find themselves in. I have a friend who does that more than he could ever imagine and is a shining example of the man that I want to become. When I have been at my lowest points ever, some of which have been very recent, this hero of mine has been able to not let me just wallow in darkness or suffer alone, but has stood there and picked me up, lifted me out of the darkness, and not allowed me to give up. When I have wanted to just say, "Screw it, this is just too hard," this friend of mine has listened to my many complaints and feelings, comforted me as I have just sat there and wept in grief, sorrow, and pain, and has come to my rescue both literally and figuratively on more occasions than not. He has helped me to realize what I need to work on in my life and has supported me in taking the steps to move forward, seen strength in me that sometimes I have not been able to see or believe was there, and has become like a brother to me. He has accepted me for the person that I am, flawed and imperfect, and not given up on me even when I have wanted to give up on myself. I can trust him with anything and everything, and that is something that I have taken for granted I think. THIS is a hero. This is just a glimpse of what this hero has done for me, and I hope that I can be half the man that he is. We all have heroes in our lives, and we all have the power to be the heroes in the lives of others. I am eternally grateful for the heroes in my life.

"I want to start a new story, one where the Evil Queen doesn't get a part, and I choose to believe that this story will have a better ending than my last." I think that this phrase is one of the most important ones in the whole episode because it all comes down to the choices that we have in our lives. Through multiple conversations that I have had recently with my mother and the above mentioned friend/hero, I have come to realize one important and profound truth: happiness is a choice. We can all choose to be happy in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in. This doesn't mean that it is easy, not at all. When we are in the midst of our own personal hells and trials it is hard to see the blessings that we have, at least for me it is. If you are able to do that, then I am jealous of you because that is NOT a strength of mine at all, but it is something that I am working on. There was a story in General Conference about a missionary who had a prosthetic leg who just tried so hard to serve where he was called, but riding a bike was just not working for him. He broke down and asked his mission president, "Why was I called here?" and the mission president's response was, "Maybe you were called here to help me," and he was able to help someone else's life because of his personal hell. Now that is not an exact quote or how he said it exactly, but that was the gist of it, and as I was thinking about it I thought to myself, "Well that isn't fair. How is it fair for God to say, 'Well, your life is going to suck, but because of your sucky life others will be blessed, so just deal with it,'. That doesn't seem fair or okay at all." and I discussed this with my parents, and it just came down to agency again. We all have the choice to make the most out of a difficult situation. We all have the choice to find the happiness that comes from our crappy situations, because we all have them. We all have things that we find unfair about our lives, but we can help other people because of them. I have some unique perspectives on life because of my situation. I have so much that I can offer, but it comes down to re-framing my mind to see that. Sometimes my life just plain sucks. Sometimes it isn't fair. Sometimes I think, "Did I agree to this before coming down to earth life because I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this." I still feel that sometimes, that I am not strong enough to deal with everything that I get to deal with in my life, but that is where the choice comes in. Hope and happiness are choices. We all have been blessed with a wonderful gift called agency, and we have the wonderful opportunity to choose happiness, even in the worst times. There is so much to be happy about. My life would not be the same if I hadn't gone through some of the things I have gone through and felt the things I feel. I have been extremely blessed and need to make the choice to look at those blessings. It is time to start a new story, one where I am choosing to be the hero and not the villain. This is something that I am working on and something that is happening gradually in my life.

One last quick thought, something that I found to be intriguing and something to look forward to in life. "We all have untold stories waiting to be played out." Life is full of stories for all of us, and all that we can do is let them unfold. We can take charge though and allow these untold stories to benefit us. Life is a gift and we should not waste it. My challenge to myself, and to you, is to be ready for these untold stories. Who knows what adventures they can, and will, bring. There will be ups and downs. There are times when the story brings joy and there are times when the story brings sadness. There are times when we are the heroes, times when we are the victims, and times when we have to choose not to be the villain. I am not sure how my untold stories will play out, but I am ready for the adventures and am hopeful for the day when I will get to look back and see how far I have come and hope to be able to say that I have become a hero.

Choices, Choosing, and Realizations

I recently spend a weekend at my family condo, and it was absolutely wonderful. I had no responsibilities, had no plans, and didn't have to worry about anything. I was able to just relax and not worry about life, and it was totally needed. I pretty much just vegged out and watched movies all day. You might be saying, "But Kevin, that is what you do all day every day anyways, so how is this different?" and you would be accurate in thinking this, because pretty much all I do is watch movies all day every day, but it is different to be away from home and away from the world. I really love being up there, but it was nice to come back as well.

Last week I had the chance to talk to a couple of people about some of the things that have been going on in my life, and these conversations have lead to a lot of time spent thinking, pondering, planning, wishing, dreaming, longing, mourning, confusion, arguing, and crying. Sometimes I wish that there were some clearer answers to the difficult things in life, but there aren't, and it comes down to just having faith sometimes, taking a step into the darkness, and trusting in God, which I am realizing that I am not so good at, but I am working on it. Many things have lead up to these conversations that I had the past week, and I am grateful for the three people I am going to write about, not by name, but they know who they are, and for the things that were said and the love that was shown.

I had a name pop into my mind a couple of Sundays ago of someone I should reach out to and ask for some advice, so I messaged this person and thought little of it. I pretty much just poured out my heart about some of the things that I have been feeling and thought, "Well, she will either respond or not, but at least I put it out there," and the next day I got a response saying she would like to talk to me in person. The next week I went out to her house and we had a really nice talk. Tears were shed, testimonies were born, and I was able to have some things put in perspective that I hadn't wanted to acknowledge before. I was reminded that there are some very different paths that I have before me, and while there are many different variations and different perspectives on these, I am just going to share the black and white versions. The first is to attempt to have relationships with women, ultimately working towards a temple marriage and a family. The second is to pursue a relationship with a man and more than likely leave the church. The third is to live a life as a single man in the church. There are varying places within each of these options, but I am just going to focus on the black and white version of them, and not the gray areas. All three of these are 100% valid choices and all three of them could possibly bring happiness, and all three of them could possibly bring sorrow and pain. I have tried the relationships with women option, and it brought a lot of sorrow and pain to me. For me, that isn't an option (and believe me, I have had MANY an angry conversation with God on this one throughout my life). I have accepted that that is not in the cards for me. A relationship with a man would be the next one to discuss, but I am not going to discuss that one in a lot of depth or detail because to the world this seems like the logical choice. Many people have said to me, "Kevin, you are gay, so I hope that you find a man that makes you happy," and while part of me would welcome that and even desires it, I feel a much stronger pull towards the third choice, that of living life as a single man in the church. Does that sound super appealing? No, not really, but I have had to do a lot of soul searching recently due to a lot of things going on in my life and when it comes down to it, that is the choice that feels right to me. Is it easy? No, not at all. I will be completely open and honest, the idea of living life without someone to love and someone who loves me back is pretty daunting and scary, but as I have said in earlier blog posts there are many different forms of love, and everyone demonstrates their love differently. My friends and family love me for me, and the ones who truly love me will always be there for me and I will be there for them. I know that there are people who love me unconditionally, and I am grateful for them, so I am not really alone. All of the different options for going through life are completely valid and acceptable options, and when my dear friend brought these up to me I had a moment of introspection and thought, "Alright, Kevin, let's be completely honest here, which are you going to choose?" I need to start having an eternal perspective as opposed to thinking about the here and now as much as I do.

This same friend helped me to realize something else, and that is the fact that no matter what choices we make, God will always love us. God loves each and every one of us because we are His children. What do you have to do to earn His love? Absolutely nothing. You do not have to do a single thing to earn His love. You are worthy of His love in this exact moment, no matter what you are doing. My friend said to me, "Kevin, you are enough. You don't have to earn His love because He already is giving it to you, in every moment." and then of course I started to cry. I have this idea that love has to be earned and that I am constantly not worthy of it, from myself or from others. I love my family and my friends, more than they could possibly understand or imagine, but because of the idea that I have to earn love from others I am constantly trying to find ways to earn it from them because I don't think that I am worthy of it just by being me. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I see it. I don't understand how I can love others so much, but not believe that anyone could love me unconditionally or without any caveats. It is interesting, but I realized that God loves me as I am, and He invites me to come unto Him, and I can through my Savior Jesus Christ. The ultimate being in the universe sent His son to come to this earth and suffer all things because He loved each and every one of us. My Savior knows me, better than I know myself, and knows exactly what I am feeling and going through at this very moment. He knows my secret pains, my secret heartaches, and my innermost desires. He knows the trials I have, knows the pains I feel, and knows how discouraged I feel at times. He knows, and He is here with me even when I don't want to recognize it, all for the simple fact that He loves me. He has sent people in my life to show that love, and although I am really good at making up stories or pushing people away, I know that He has done that and that the people who truly care about me aren't going anywhere. Life happens and I have felt like I have been dealing with a lot recently, but there are a few people I have been able to open up to and talk about everything, with all of the details, and they haven't written me off yet, and I take that as a demonstration of the love that my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. While they can't physically be here with me, they are here through the angels that they have sent in my life. Long story short, we are all worthy of God's love and we don't have to do anything to earn that. Sure, there are blessings that come from obedience and consequences that come from sin, but that doesn't mean that we are loved any differently than anyone else dependent on the choices that we make.

I have THE MOST AMAZING home teacher ever. Two Sundays ago he came home teaching and he asked how we were doing, and when it got to me I thought, "Screw it, I am not going to pretend that I am completely okay," so I pretty much said just that, "I'm alright. There are some good things and a lot of horrible things, but I am surviving," and of all the things he could respond with, the one he responded with brought tears to my eyes. "I am sorry to hear that Kevin, but you are loved and I am here for you if there is anything I can do for you, I will do it." The next day we planned to go and get some dinner and we just talked. I opened up to him about a lot of things that have been weighing me down and he listened and let me vent and open up, and there was nothing but understanding and love poured out to me. He gave me a lot of great advice, but the one that stuck out to me was to find what makes me happy and do it. I am (relatively) young and have my whole life ahead of me. I can either let life happen, or I can make something of it, so that is what I am working on doing. While life is not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination, nor is it what I had planned while growing up, my life is unique and special, and I am going to make it that. I have so many opportunities ahead of me, and I plan on living life to the fullest. He reminded me that yes, I can look at my life as being difficult and hard because it is, it is also full of opportunities that others don't have. Being single can be depressing, but it can also be full of joy and wonder as I have so many opportunities that married people don't have. If I want to go on a long vacation to, let's say London next year, I can do it with relative ease. If I want to go on an adventure of any kind I pretty much can without too much hesitation because I don't have the same obligations as others. This helped to kind of shock me out of the funk that I have been in because I am realizing that my life is not a curse, it is a blessing. It is a HUGE blessing that I have not been taking advantage of. My incredible home teacher, who is more than a home teacher but is truly a friend, reminded me of the simple fact that I am a son of God with incredible potential, that my life is a blessing, and that I can make more out of it than I have been. Fear has been holding me back, but I shouldn't be afraid to go on adventures, to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy the hand that has been dealt to me. Thank you my good friend for helping me to realize how blessed I truly am.

So, yes, this was another rambling post that I feel is kind of all over the place, but as a friend told me last week, that is okay. It is real and raw and it kind of gives you a glimpse of me. There have been many other conversations that have been like these ones, but if I kept going with them this post would never end. I am blessed with some incredible people in my life who love me and support me, and who I love and support in all they do. I am REALLY good at pushing people away and building walls up, so those of you who have stuck around and are a part of my life, I love you more than you can imagine and I am grateful for you. I apologize for my faults and weaknesses, and I am grateful for your love and acceptance of me. Wow, this post got pretty rambly and makes little sense, but then again I don't make much sense so I guess it works . . .

Opposition in All Things

First I have to say thank you to some people. I am not going to mention any names, but you know who you are. I have been going through some things recently, and there have been a few people who have done more for me than they can possibly know or even comprehend. A friend of mine who I grew up with texted me out of the blue one day and just said, "Hey Kevin :) I was thinking about you today and thought I would send you a text. It seems like you have been struggling a bit. Is there anything I can do for you?" A friend from high school messaged me on Facebook out of the blue and said, "Hey Kevin! This is totally random but I have been wanting to send you a message just letting you know I have been thinking about you. You have seemed down lately and I hope you know that you are an awesome person and if I can ever help with anything I am here for you!" My mom sent me a random text that said, "Been thinking about you today. Just wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you are my son and I love you!"Another friend out of the blue texted and said, "Let's go get Froyo" when I was feeling down. Another friend watched some of my favorite movie of all time, even though it isn't his favorite movie, just because he loves me. Another friend stayed up super later than usual for him when I was having an EXTREMELY rough day so that I had someone to talk to, saying, "Yes, I will be tired tomorrow, but you are more important than my sleep." My roommate always makes me feel important and validated.  A family friend just gave me a hug out of nowhere. Another family in the ward made sure I know how much I am loved by saying, "We love you Kev and you always have a place here with us. If you need a place to go , to vent, or someone to talk to, we are here for you." Friends came to support me as I sang in church, some of them changing their plans so that they could be there to cheer me on. I am surrounded by love and people who care about me, and it isn't out of nowhere, it is an answer to many, MANY prayers. As much as I want to just throw in the towel sometimes, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and, as I have been told during a blessing before, He has put people in my life who love me and care about me as an extension of HIS love for me. The list goes on and on and I could spend an entire blog post just thanking people personally for the love that they have shown to me, but I would rather do that in person. This is just a way for me to quickly show how the hand of the Lord has been in my life, even when I haven't been wanting to see it or feeling deserving of His love for me.

So life is hard, and life is not fair. Life can be absolutely ridiculous sometimes, and it is sometimes more than I can deal with. I was venting to one of my friends last week and this week he sent me a talk that was given during last April's General Conference by Elder Oaks that is titled, "Opposition in All Things." I don't remember this talk when it was given, but as I read it I thought to myself, "Alright, this is for me." So, I think that I am going to recap some of the stuff that stuck out to me in the talk and then add some personal stories to tie into it.

Elder Oaks said, "Satan's proposal would have ensured perfect equality: it would 'redeem all mankind,' that not one soul would be lost. There would be no agency or choice by anyone and, therefore, no need for opposition. There would be no test, no failure, and no success. There would be no growth to attain the purpose the Father desired for His children." I am going to admit that sometimes I think to myself, "You know, Satan's plan made a lot of sense." Agency is a blessing, but sometimes I feel like it is a curse because I don't always make the best choices. Then I think about all that I have been taught and all that I understand about life before I was born and I remind myself that Satan's version of the plan is stupid. How boring would it be if we all came here and were the same? How boring would it be to not be able to make any choices at all? Even though I don't always make good choices, I recognize so much the joy that comes when I DO choose the better path. How would I know this joy though if I never had the chance to make mistakes? I am grateful for agency, even though it is difficult. I need to have the opposition between good and bad, and better and best, choices so that I can learn and grow to become the man my Heavenly Father want me to become.

"All of us experience various kinds of opposition that test us. Some of these tests are temptations to sin. Some are mortal challenges apart from personal sin. Some are very great. Some are minor. Some are continuous, and some are mere episodes. None of us is exempt. Opposition permits us to grow toward what our Heavenly Father would have us become." This paragraph kind of hit home to me. My life is hard sometimes, and when I look completely inward of course it is hard. What I don't always do is look around and see that, in reality, my life is no more challenging than anyone else, it is just challenging in a different way. Complete transparency here, I feel bitter about a lot of things. I had a conversation in the car with one of my friends where I was just complaining and being bitter and angry about a certain circumstance in my life. So this friend of mine pretty much knows me better than anyone on the planet and he, bless his heart, always lets me vent and talk to him. I am pretty forthright with him and share pretty much everything because I trust him and value his opinion and he has helped me always. So I was complaining while we were driving and being kind of bitter about something. I was sharing a fear that I have, and that I had never vocalized, and he said to me, "Is the church true?" I responded, "Of course I know it is true." and he said, "Then this fear doesn't need to be a fear. We have been taught that we are all entitled to the same blessings, so you don't need to be afraid of this. Yes, this mortal life can suck sometimes and be really hard and challenging, but as long as we do our part we will all be blessed the same. So, if the church is true you don't need to worry." That has been on my mind since he said that to me and I can't stop thinking about that. The question, "Is the church true?" I can answer without a doubt that I KNOW it is true, so his response of, "Then you don't need to worry about that fear," is so true. I had a similar conversation with one of my favorite people on earth at church today. We were chatting after church and talking about some of the difficulties that we both have been going through and the trials that we have and she said, "Kevin, I know that God will make up for it in the end. While it is COMPLETELY unfair for both of us, in different ways, I have to believe that God knows us, loves us, and will make up for it in the end. I don't understand why we all have to go through the things that we go through, but I wouldn't come to a church that teaches what we teach here if I didn't know it were true and I didn't know that God would make it all better." This is so true. Two different conversations with two different, amazing people who basically said the same thing. It is true and I have to believe it. While it doesn't make it any easier, I am going to choose to believe that God will make it better in the end and that I am not just going to get to the next life and be told, "Well, sucks to be you." He will make it better and I will not be denied any blessing that I have been promised. It doesn't make it easy to endure, but at least I know that I am not having to endure alone and I have people who love and care about me.

"Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. . . . . Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father . . . knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each on of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure." This was where I was like, "Well there is the slap in the face. Can I really endure?" I need to have the strength to endure this life, and it comes from truly living the gospel. I have to make the choice. I can't just go at it halfway and hope for the best. Sometimes that is all I can do, is have hope, because, "Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing," but it is really a lot harder than I expected. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times as I have poured my heart out to the Lord in recent months. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times with some of my closest friends as I opened up to them about some of my doubts, fears, and issues. I used to think that my crying was something to be embarrassed about, but I have come to accept that it is just part of me. I was talking with a friend and was like, "I don't want to talk about me because then I will start crying," and he said, "Kevin, it's you, you cry, and there is nothing wrong with that." Yup, I cry, so if you have seen me cry, you know that I love and trust you. ;) Heavenly Father loves us and knows each and every one of us. While life isn't fair, it was n ever meant to be. I still sometimes don't know where I really belong, and I think that that is not fair, but I am working on it. I still don't think it is fair that I watch family and friends get married, have kids, and enjoy the blessings of a temple marriage while I am just S.O.L. on that aspect. It is not fair that I don't feel like I belong in a singles ward but then also don't feel like I contribute to a family ward. There is a lot that is not fair in my mind, but then again there is a lot that I have to be thankful for in my life that is beyond fair. Because of what I have sometimes deemed to be unfair, I have been lead to some of the greatest people in my life who have become some of my very best friends. I have seen the hand of the Lord lifting me up and helping me to gain some unique and special perspectives. I have been able to learn more about who I am and who the Lord wants me to be (this is a work in progress . . . I still don't know it all, but I am working on that). I have been able to be more empathetic and sympathetic, and have gained a larger family, because I consider my closest friends to be my family as well. My life, while not perfect, is pretty amazing when I step back and look at it from an outside perspective. When I take a second and think about my blessings as opposed to my perceived injustices, I am beyond blessed.

So, opposition is necessary in life, but in my current hell I have seen a lot of blessings as well. I am not perfect by any means. I don't always love myself and there is so much that I wish I could change about myself and my life, but I am okay. Life is a process and I am learning to take things one day at a time. So, for those of you who have stuck by me and been there for me always, I love you more than you could even imagine. I am beyond grateful for you and for what you have done to touch my life and build me up. To those of you who send me random text messages out of nowhere, you have been answers to prayers that I have been saying, pleading with the Lord to feel of His love for me. To the people in my life who know the real me, the Kevin who doesn't hide anything, I say thank you for being you and allowing me to be open and be myself.. Thank you for making me feel safe and loved, even when I don't always love myself. I love you all so much and don't want to imagine my life without you in it. As usual I am not going to go back and edit or censor this, so these are my ramblings, so I hope that it is coherent and makes some semblance of sense. Anyhow, life is hard, but it is worth it if we endure. God is good and He loves us all! If I have learned anything in the past few months it is that God loves each of us individually and although life may not seem fair, He knows better and if we can only learn to trust Him, it will all work out in the end. I am trying to believe that more fully. So, as my friend asked me, "Is the church true?" I say it is, and that means we have nothing to fear and everything will work out in the end.

Cursed Child - What I Learned

It has been a little while since I blogged . . . Quite some time actually. First and foremost, I don't know how you all  put up with me. I am pretty crazy and full of drama, so to those of you who have stuck around during my craziness, you are amazing and I love and appreciate you more than you can know.

Life has taken some interesting turns recently. I say interesting because I am trying to stay positive. In reality I have not been in a good place recently, kind of emotionally and spiritually struggling, but let's be honest, I am REALLY good at being quite dramatic and making things a lot more difficult and challenging than they need to be. I am REALLY good at that. I seem to make overreact and make things seem worse than they really are, but that is just how I am. Because of a lot of difficult situations that I have put myself in, I have been brought down really low emotionally and spiritually, having some pretty strong doubts and having a hard time seeing the light in the darkness. I have had some pretty difficult times, but don't we all? I am not writing this asking for sympathy or for you to pity me, just to be able to let you know where my frame of mind has been recently. I haven't been myself, and am trying to figure out who I am. If I am honest, I have thought to myself, "How will I be remembered when I die? What is there about me that people will know and remember? How do people think of me right now? All there is about me is that I am overly obsessed with Titanic, addicted to Once Upon A Time, and an uber fan of Harry Potter. What else is there about me?"

This brings me to Harry Potter. Ha ha ha! Right? I just sit and say that I don't want to only be remembered for my crazy obsession with Harry Potter and then I immediately bring it up. This weekend saw the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts 1 & 2. This is the script for the 8th story in the series. I was SUPER excited about it. I mean, obviously, it is the next story in the greatest series of all time, the series that changed and saved my life growing up. I felt like I was going home to Hogwarts as I downloaded the book on my iPad. It was different because it was a script and not a novel. I found myself wishing that it were a novel most of the time, if not the whole time, but it was still really good. Was it the greatest part of the series? No. Was it the worst? No. Did I love it? Yes, most definitely. It was better than I expected. The thing is, I felt like the script was speaking directly to me. I felt like the script was released in the perfect time for where I am at in my life right now. There were many things that felt like I was reading about my own life and reading a lot of advice that I needed to hear. There were so many profound quotes in the script that have stuck with me since I read it Saturday night. Also, Albus is one of my favorite characters in the series and reading his story was like reading my story in a lot of ways, at least that's how I saw it.

Now I am not going to spoil the play for anyone who hasn't read it, but I am going to share some quotes from it and then discuss how the quotes have spoken to me. So, be warned, there are direct quotes coming from the play . . . 

"Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe." Dumbledore's wisdom . . . This quote is absolutely profound. I have been looking for a lot of answers recently, a lot of answers to a lot of questions that I have been having, and I love Dumbledore's answer that there is no perfect answer. The world is not perfect, and even though we can find happiness, we will NEVER be exempt from pain either. The knowledge that pain will come is real, and it is part of the human experience. It is part of the human experience to feel pain. It is human. Something that I have noticed recently though is that I have been able to see something through this pain that I have been in, and that is something that I have taken from Dumbledore's quote where he says to be honest to those you love and show your pain. I complain a lot about parts of my life. I am pretty open with a couple of people who know a lot more about anything that I have been going through than anyone else, and that is because I love them and trust them beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that is profound I think. In discussing something this morning with a coworker I said something like, "I am just afraid that my friends are going to get sick and tired of me, that they are going to be like, 'Kevin is just too dramatic and sad and I don't want anything to do with him anymore,' and that idea freaks me out," to which my coworker responded, "Kevin, the people who actually love you will never do that. They will feel sad that you are hurting, they will want to help, and they will be there for you no matter what you are going through. You will see the people who are truly your friends and who love you no matter what you are going through." That is so true, and I love my friends. 

"DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing. SCORPIUS: He needs me to do what? DELPHI: That’s the thing, isn’t it? About friendships. You don’t know what he needs. You only know he needs it. Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together." This scene kind of hit me pretty hard. A lot of things had happened up to this point in the play that lead to this conversation, and I think that it is important to note that this is a key to friendship, one that I am learning through a lot of recent experiences. You don't always know what the other person needs, but you know that they need something. Sometimes it is just a text saying that you are thinking about them. Sometimes it is an invite to go see a movie. Sometimes it is just a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. I had a couple of experiences like this over the past little while that have resonated deeply with me about this plain and simple sentence. So I had been praying for a little while for something very specific. I had been praying that someone would offer to give me a blessing. I know, I know, I should ask for a blessing if I need one, but I honestly didn't want to ask for one because, well, I don't know why, but anyways, I had been praying for almost a week that someone would offer to give me a blessing. Well, I was having an extremely rough day. I think that everything was finally catching up to me and the stress of everything was reaching a boiling point and I was reaching my breaking point. I went home sick from work, because on top of all of the emotional crap, I was physically sick. Well, a friend of mine texted me and we were talking and he invited me to go to dinner with some of his friends, but I was sick so I just thanked him for the invite but told him I would have to take a raincheck. He asked if he could bring me anything and I jokingly said, "Well, I would never say no to a slurpee, but no, you are fine. Have fun with your friends!" and I wasn't expecting anything. A couple of hours later I got a text that said, "So, what flavor of slurpee do you want?" and he brought me a slurpee. We got to talking for an hour or so and he said, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I just said, "I don't know. I can't think of anything." "Do you want a blessing?" I just nodded and silently thanked God for an answer to a prayer. I cried the entire blessing because things were said that I needed to hear, and the spirit was strong. This friend said some things that I know came directly from God to me and I am beyond grateful that he was in tune with the spirit to be able to recognize that that was what I needed. He said stuff that I have hinted towards, but that I am not sure that I had actually said out loud, which to me showed the amount of care, concern, and love that my dear friend has for me. He came over not knowing what I needed, but he has been a dear friend to me, one of the greatest I have ever had, and I am grateful for that. Now I just need to actually follow through with the things I was counseled to do in the blessing and then actually be the kind of friend that he is to me. I don’t think that I always reciprocate the love and amazingness that people give to me, but I am working on it. 

"After I came out of hospital — everyone ignored me, shut me out — other than, that is, the boy who had everything — who came across the Gryffindor common room and challenged me to a game of Exploding Snap. People think they know all there is to know about you, but the best bits of you are — have always been — heroic in really quiet ways. My point is — after this is over, just remember if you could that sometimes people — but particularly children — just want someone to play Exploding Snap with." THIS! Amen to this. Amen to all of this. Sometimes people don't need a hero to solve all of their problems, but they need the hero who just invites them to do stuff, and there have been quite a few heroes who have done that for me over the past little while. A friend who invites me to dinner with him and his other friend. A couple of friends who get me out of the house to watch a hilarious movie with them to try and distract myself and get me out of my situation. A friend who goes to Lagoon with me and makes sure that I am doing okay. A friend who texts me in the morning and says, "Hey Kevin, how are you doing today? You doing okay?" I was told, "Kevin, God knows that you need tangible evidences of the love that He has for you, and a portion of that comes through the people that have come into your life, the people you have known your whole life and the people who you haven't known for a long time but feel like you have known for many lifetimes," and I know that that is absolutely true. I know that I am hard headed, that I am not super good at recognizing God's hand and love in my life, but when I look at it objectively, I can see the love that He has for me through the people who I have been blessed beyond measure to know, to call my friends, and to consider my family. Family is not only the people who I am related to by blood, but I sincerely think that I have an amazing family of friends who love me for me, even when I don't love myself so much. I am blessed beyond measure and I love each and everyone of you more than you could possibly imagine. I am working on learning to love myself, but for the time being the love that you all have for me buoys me up, lifts me out of my darkness, and helps me to begin to try and see myself the way that I am seen through your eyes, and the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I am not perfect. I have many faults, flaws, and weaknesses. I am not the best friend ever, but I hope that no one ever questions whether or not I truly love them, because I love my friends and family more than anyone can ever even guess.  

So, these are just a few of the quotes that spoke to me and hit me hard. I hope that this gives kind of an idea as to where I am at right now. Things are definitely not perfect, but things are getting better every day. Thank you everyone for putting up with my crazy and for not just writing me off. I don't know how you do it, but you all mean so much to me. I am working on just learning to live life and love more fully. I am trying to learn to love myself more and figure out exactly who I am. I am learning a lot, experiencing a lot, and trying to figure out what I want and who I want to become. This was a rambly post, I know, and I think if I had to summarize it, it would be the importance of my friends in my life, the importance of being a friend, and the importance of recognizing that while life is not perfect and pain will come, I am never as alone as I think that I am. I love you all, and I want you all to know if there is ANYTHING that you need, know that I will drop everything to help and be there for you. I love and appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this long, rambly, blog post.

No Less Than Anyone Else

Today was one of those days where I am just super grateful for the life I have been given, for where I have been, and for where I am going. Some may say, "But Kevin, you are quite the complainer!" Yes, I have been quite the complainer in the past, but I have been making some changes in the past month that have made me realize that that is absolutely pointless and there is no need for that, so I have been trying hard to not complain as much, and have been happier (unless you look at my Facebook page . . . Lots of complaining because of "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" but that is a special circumstance that warrants lots of complaining). I have been given so much in my life, and there is no need to complain, so I am trying not to. It has been better.

My life experiences have brought me to where I am now, and I am grateful for all of them. Has life been easy? No. Not at all. Has life been going exactly as I planned while growing up? Nope! Not even close. Is it better than I could have ever expected? Yes. Definitely. No question about that. One of the greatest experiences of my whole life was the two years I spent as a missionary. I met so many wonderful people, and grew so much. Much of who I am is because of those two years. Some of my favorite people on this entire planet are people I met during the mission. I love everyone I met and I feel so blessed by those wonderful people who are still in my life.

Today I had the glorious opportunity to spend the afternoon with a couple of people from my last area in the mission. It was absolutely glorious. Five and a half years have passed, and spending time with them made it feel as if no time had ever passed. I felt so much love, so much joy, and so much happiness just spending time with them. They were here looking at schools, and we had the chance to take a tour of Temple Square. I have never taken a tour of Temple Square before with the sister missionaries, and it was very good. Having lived in Utah my whole life I felt like I knew a lot of things, but I learned SO MUCH. For example, did you know that in the Assembly Hall there is NO marble? The benches and the pillars are made of WHITE PINE. The wood is super white and so the pioneers HAND PAINTED EVERY BENCH to look like oak. The pillars? Yup, they are made of white pine as well and painted them to look like marble as well. That was absolutely interesting and I felt super blessed to have this opportunity to learn and feel the spirit. I take for granted the blessing it is to live here so close to Temple Square. The reaction of these two seeing the temple up close was contagious joy, and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

We had ice cream and walked around even more and just talked. It was great to hear about how the ward is doing, their experiences in their new ward, and to feel the love that is there. It has been five and a half years and I am still in touch with people, and it brings me so much joy. Well, we were sitting and talking and then out of nowhere a conversation started that filled me with so much emotion. I am just going to summarize basically what the conversation said. "Kevin, I just want to tell you something. I want you to know how much I am impressed with you. You are brave and loved. There are so many people who love you, and who you are attracted to doesn't change that at all. Heavenly Father knows and loves each and every one of His children. Each and every one of us have different things we go through in our lives, and YOU ARE NEVER LESS than anyone else. You are just as important as everyone else. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't as good or as worthy of love than anyone else. You are brave. You are loved. Your Heavenly Father loves you and knows who you are, and He loves you just as you are. I am proud of you. We are all proud of you and impressed with your courage and with the person you are. You are a good person. Stay strong in the gospel. Never go away from it. Stay strong with it. Keep your testimony strong. It is difficult. It is challenging. It may be frustrating. But it is worth it. Your Heavenly Father will prove the means for you to be happy, and to find fulfillment. DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU OR MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE LESS THAN ANYONE ELSE! You are beautiful, wonderful, and perfect the way you are. You are no less than anyone else."

Well, of course I started to tear up and lots of hugging happened. This was such a beautiful thing to be told, and totally unexpected, but I think that it was Heavenly Father speaking to me through my friend. "You are no less than anyone else." This phrase is powerful, and I think that it has deeper meaning that the surface level, and something that I needed to hear. I am no less than anyone else. I am no less because I am not married. I am no less because I am not skinny. I am no less because I don't find myself attractive. I am no less because my skin is ridiculously gross looking. I am no less because I have a tattoo. I am no less because I am not straight. I am no less because I don't know anything about sports (even though I am trying to learn with the help of a dear friend). I am a child of God. I am His son. I have potential. I have many opportunities ahead of me. I am no less, and neither are you. If you are reading this blog, I want you to know the same thing. YOU ARE NO LESS! You are important. You are loved. You are valued. You have a couple of people in your life who love you, care about you, and want you to be happy. Our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us, independent of anything. We are all worthy of His love no matter what we do, what we choose, or what we desire. You are worthy of His love as you are right now, right in this very moment. He is thinking about you in this very moment and is mindful of all of your successes, victories, positive things, as well as your fears and heartaches. The next person who loves you is the Savior, Jesus Christ. He loved us enough to come down to this earth and atone for us. He suffered for us so that He could be here with us in every moment. None of us are ever alone. The last person I want to talk about is myself. If you have read this post, I want you to know how much I love you. I love you for taking time out of your day to read the ramblings of a crazy person. I love you for the person you are. I am grateful for the impact you have had on my life. Whether you know it or not, you have had an impact in my life and I am grateful  for you and love you.

I am no less than anyone else. You are no less than anyone else. NONE OF US ARE LESS THAN ANYONE ELSE! This was something that I needed to hear, and I am grateful for a friend who would be the voice of God speaking to me today. Life is great!

Late Night Ramblings

I've shared this before, but I am sharing it again. I have spent the past couple of hours looking at my life and am realizing just how true this scene is. Honestly, and as cheesy as it sounds, this scene changed my life. Just read these words and let them sink in:

"And what exactly do you think fairy tales are? They are a reminder that our lives will get better if we just hold onto hope. Your happy ending may not be what you expect, but that is what will make it so special. . . . Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing."

These words changed my life. I know that it sounds cheesy and ridiculous. I can just see people reading this going, "Really, Kevin? You are just obsessed with this show. No TV show can have that much power on a person. It is just a TV show, a scripted drama. Don't be crazy." Well, this show has had some great impact in my life because of many a great scene. I could talk about how I am basically the male version of Emma (see episode 5X10 where Emma says, "When I'm scared that's when my walls go up that's when I stop trusting the people around me you know this."). I could talk about how I relate to Zelena and how she just wants someone to love her for who she is, how she just wants love in her life. (Season 5X21 where she says, "All I ever wanted was love.") I could talk about a million things, but I am going to focus on this once scene, the scene where Henry gets the book and where I realized a great many things.

Hope is extremely powerful. President Uchtdorf said during general conference in October 2008, "Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make 'the heart sick.'" I have to agree with President Uchtdorf on this one. The absence of hope CAN, and DOES, make the heart sick. Been there. Done that. It wasn't fun. The heart truly hurts when you are out of hope and you just are forcing yourself to keep going. President Uchtdorf went on to say, "Moroni in his solitude-even after having witnessed the complete destruction of his people-believed in hope. In the twilight of the Nephite nation, Moroni wrote that without hope we cannot receive an inheritance in the kingdom of God." If the last Nephite around thought that hope was extremely important, I think that we can all agree that it is important.

Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing. It is an EXTREMELY powerful thing. This can be linked to many different places in life, not just for the very distant future (even though I do link it towards my distant future, but more on that later). For example, after my 5th wrist surgery and the realization that my life was about to take a very different course than I had been planning for the previous 10 years, I had to find the hope that I could find something that would be fulfilling and bring me the joy that ASL had up until that point. I had to have hope that I would find something that brought me joy and happiness, and I found that. I found a career that brings me incredible joy, not only because I love the work that I do both in the office and freelancing, but it has lead to some incredible circumstances that I would not have had otherwise. This simple "happy ending" was possible because I had hope. I was lead to find a job that brings me much satisfaction with people who I love and care about deeply, and who love and care about me as well. I was able to believe that I would one day finish school, and I am not a college graduate. I have had many small happy endings in my life, and I am grateful for them and that I found the hope to continue moving forward.

Like I said earlier, tonight I have spent a lot of time looking back at my life and realizing just how absolutely amazing it really and truly is. The past couple of weeks have been turning points in my life where I have come to realize a lot of things about myself, about what I want in my life, and about a lot of things. I have been happier in the past couple of weeks than I have been in any other time of my life other than the mission. Things are changing in my world, and I have many reasons to be grateful. I have come to realize a lot of things, but one of the greatest things that I have come to see is the worth that I have and have felt a different kind of light in my life. Through many conversations with a lot of dear friends, I have learned a lot of things and my outlook on life, and more importantly on myself, have changed. I had a conversation with a good friend the other day that had me in tears, but they were tears of joy. It was a personal conversation, so I'm going to keep it that way, but it was something that changed my outlook. This conversation, while probably didn't mean very much to this friend, meant more to me than anyone could even know. Recently my life has been very different. I have had some losses, but I have gained some incredible things, and I am happier now than ever before. I am finally starting to become the man that I have always wanted to be. I am recognizing the worth that I have, beginning to find what I truly want in life, and it has been amazing. I love the person that I am. I love the people who are in my life, who love and support me in all that I do. I love the dear friends that I have, who have stuck by me through good times and bad times and never given up on me. I am grateful for a friend who calls it like it is and isn't afraid to just be honest and truthful with me in every situation, but also supports me and loves me for me, no pretenses or fakeness (I love you buddy so much!). I am grateful for a friend who has made me feel like I am of worth, like I am important, and who has helped me deal with some walls that I have put up in my life and a lot of my insecurities. I am grateful for a friend who treats me like one of the family. I am grateful for a friend who has helped me to realize a great many things about myself and has allowed me to just be me. I am just truly grateful for the friends that I have and I wouldn't be the person I am without them.

My life right now looks nothing like I had planned for it to be while growing up, and I am completely grateful for that. My happy ending may not be what I expected it to be while growing up, in fact I can almost guarantee that, but that is what will make it special and a wonderful adventure. I am learning to just let go and take life as it comes at me, and it has been absolutely wonderful. Do I know what the future holds? Nope. Not at all, and that is okay. Do I know what tomorrow brings? Nope, not even remotely, and that is wonderful. The search for my happily ever after is a life-long journey, and one that I know I don't have to make alone because of the INCREDIBLE people in my life. I am going to find it though. I have that hope. So, long story short, that scene changed my life. I don't know what to expect for my happy ending, but I know that it is going to be special and that I will, one day, find it.

Blessed through Authenticity

“Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.” This is from Brené Brown, Ph.D. Living authentically is difficult, but brings about a lot of change. This is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been working on living more authentically and allowing myself to be vulnerable, and it has been wonderful. It has been challenging, but it has also been extremely rewarding. I have found that I have been able to have better relationships with my friends, have better communication with the people that I care about, and have been overall happier. Being authentic, without fear of what people will think of me, has allowed me to strengthen my friendships, allowed people to get to really know the deeper parts of me not just the surface level portions, has increased the trust I have with those closest to me, and has allowed me to experience some extremely great moments of joy because I feel like people are understanding who I am and what I am going through and have been able to help me feel loved, accepted, validated, and understood. There are many recent experiences in my life that I could talk about, but I am just going to share a few that, to me, are examples of how my life has been blessed by trying to become more authentic and allowing people to see and know the real me.

There is a friend of mine who just happens to always seems to see me in my most emotional state. I think that it is his goal for me to cry every single time we hangout (but let's be honest, I cry over everything, so it isn't hard to do). He has the most gorgeous singing voice ever and likes to sing sad songs in the car and it never fails that I end up crying because I was blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with freely-flowing emotions. Clayson is one of those people who I can talk to about anything and everything, knowing fully well that I will get a completely honest, heartfelt, and loving answer. He knows a lot about me, probably more than most people because I just talk to him openly and honestly without filtering my life. I have a lot of trust in him and know that if I needed someone I could call him anytime and he would be there for me to listen without any judgment, and I would get the best advice possible. I know this because I have many experiences that prove that. He knows some of my struggles, insecurities, fears, and most recently some crippling doubts that I have been feeling. He has listened to me when my testimony has been struggling, allowed me to vent my frustrations with many different aspects of my life, and has done more for me than he could possibly know. I respect him a lot. I look up to him a lot. I am immeasurably grateful for his friendship. Well, yesterday I was sitting in church and my phone buzzed. I looked down and read a text message from my incredible friend and immediately had tears welling up in my eyes. The text was something that I needed to hear, and how else would he know what I have been feeling had I not been authentic and vulnerable with him? " . . . I know you don't know how much that's true, so start realizing it! God loves you so much and is so proud of you, whether or not you know it or believe it . . ." This simple and sweet text message touched my heart and brought some light to some darkness I have been feeling. Clayson knows better than most people what I have been going through because I have no filter when I am talking to him (and he probably wishes that I did sometimes, ha ha ha!) and it is because I have been honest, open, real, and allowed him to know the real me. I will never understand how I got blessed to have a friend like this, one who will drop everything and be there for his friends. I will be forever grateful for my incredible friend, a friend who just accepts me for me, allows me to be myself, crazy decisions and all, and is always willing to allow me to just be me. He has been a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board when I am struggling, and a voice of reason when I feel like I am going crazy. I am grateful to have a friend like you buddy. This is just one example of the many that I could choose from of how something Clayson has said or done has had an impact on me and my life. Thanks buddy!

The other night as I was in bed and could not fall asleep for the life of me. Nothing new, what with 26 years worth of experience not sleeping, but I just was bored, stuck in my own thoughts, and was just feeling like I didn't want to just lay in bed anymore. The thought came to my mind, "I would love to just have someone to talk to right now," and at that very moment my phone started to ring. One of my best friends, John, was calling. We talked on the phone for almost an hour and it was wonderful. We just talked about everything and anything, and it was so much fun. He is a great person to talk to. He is authentic, real, and just fun to talk to. We just talk and laugh, but at the same time are able to be serious and real. It is great. When I talk to him I just feel happy because I know that I am talking to a friend who really cares about me, who sincerely wants to know about my life, and who I feel the same way about. If you know me you will know that small talk is not my favorite thing, and with him there isn't really any small talk that happens. I know that he sincerely is interested in me, and I am sincerely interested in his life, and we actually talk. I was feeling lonely and wanting someone to talk to and suddenly my phone rang. God was answering a prayer for me, and I couldn’t help but thank my Heavenly Father for having one of my favorite people give me a call. Then I got to spend the next morning with him and continue having an incredible conversation. With him I can just be myself, and he can just be himself, and it is wonderful I spent the last 14 years of my life trying to pretend to be someone that I am not. I was pretending to fit the mold. I was pretending to be someone that I thought I needed to be because I thought that if anyone knew the real me they wouldn't accept me. I have learned through being with people like this friend that I am loved for who I really am. I am okay to be me. Sure I have my set of difficulties, trials, needs, wants, fears, and doubts, but that is okay. I can be myself and be loved for it. I have learned that living more authentically has allowed me to gain more confidence in myself, allowed me to accept the things about me that I never wanted to accept before, and helped me to realize that I am okay just the way that I am. People love me for me. People love the real me. My world didn’t end when I came out. In a way it began anew because I wasn’t pretending to be someone else. I have been learning to just be myself, and I am loving it. Thanks John for letting me just be myself and for being such a great friend.

I am just profoundly grateful for the joy that has come into my life from trying to live more authentically and not worrying about what people will think of me. I am making decisions not based off of what others will think or presume about me, and it has been great. I am not perfect at it and there are some things that I do that immediately I think, “What is _________ going to think or say?” For example, a month ago I got a tattoo. I don’t regret it, and I have my reasons for why I got it, so let’s not make a big deal about it. As soon as it was finished I immediately said to myself, “I love this! It is exactly what I wanted. I wonder what Alex is going to think about this . . .” I didn’t tell a lot of people I was getting it, so it was kind of shocking for people to see it, and I was kind of afraid of reactions. I went to the Priesthood Session of Conference with Alex (well, we watched it at his Aunt’s house) and it was great, but I was nervous for him to see my tattoo, but in an effort to be authentic I just showed it to him (after making him REALLY worried about me. Long story . . .). All he said was, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” and that meant a lot to me. I don’t even think that I need to say more about the blessing that this friend is in my life. The words, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” speak volumes to me, and I think that it comes from trying to live my life in a way that feels more real, that feels like I am being myself. You are wonderful Alex, and I am grateful for you. I am allowing myself to be seen and known for the real Kevin, as opposed to trying to be someone that I thought everyone wanted me to be.

Since October my life has changed. I first started trying to be authentic to myself, and then slowly began opening up and being myself with more and more people, and the blessings of doing so have been innumerable. I have become friends with some of the most wonderful people in the world. I have gained important and significant friendships with people I care deeply about (Bradley, Kenneth, Luke, Erik, Neil, Michael, Bryce), strengthened the friendships with people super important to me (Carolyn, Victoria, Chad, Rebecca, Ruthann), and have stronger and more fulfilling relationships with my family. I have moved out of my parent’s house which has lead to many opportunities for me. I have been learning who I am, what I want out of my life, and learning that people really do love me for the person that I am. I have learned that by living authentically and being more vulnerable can bring so much joy. I have started to be able to not worry so much about what people think of me, and am worrying more about just being me. Life is too short to live with a mask on, and taking mine off has been one of the greatest things that I have ever done.