Blessed through Authenticity

“Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.” This is from Brené Brown, Ph.D. Living authentically is difficult, but brings about a lot of change. This is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been working on living more authentically and allowing myself to be vulnerable, and it has been wonderful. It has been challenging, but it has also been extremely rewarding. I have found that I have been able to have better relationships with my friends, have better communication with the people that I care about, and have been overall happier. Being authentic, without fear of what people will think of me, has allowed me to strengthen my friendships, allowed people to get to really know the deeper parts of me not just the surface level portions, has increased the trust I have with those closest to me, and has allowed me to experience some extremely great moments of joy because I feel like people are understanding who I am and what I am going through and have been able to help me feel loved, accepted, validated, and understood. There are many recent experiences in my life that I could talk about, but I am just going to share a few that, to me, are examples of how my life has been blessed by trying to become more authentic and allowing people to see and know the real me.

There is a friend of mine who just happens to always seems to see me in my most emotional state. I think that it is his goal for me to cry every single time we hangout (but let's be honest, I cry over everything, so it isn't hard to do). He has the most gorgeous singing voice ever and likes to sing sad songs in the car and it never fails that I end up crying because I was blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with freely-flowing emotions. Clayson is one of those people who I can talk to about anything and everything, knowing fully well that I will get a completely honest, heartfelt, and loving answer. He knows a lot about me, probably more than most people because I just talk to him openly and honestly without filtering my life. I have a lot of trust in him and know that if I needed someone I could call him anytime and he would be there for me to listen without any judgment, and I would get the best advice possible. I know this because I have many experiences that prove that. He knows some of my struggles, insecurities, fears, and most recently some crippling doubts that I have been feeling. He has listened to me when my testimony has been struggling, allowed me to vent my frustrations with many different aspects of my life, and has done more for me than he could possibly know. I respect him a lot. I look up to him a lot. I am immeasurably grateful for his friendship. Well, yesterday I was sitting in church and my phone buzzed. I looked down and read a text message from my incredible friend and immediately had tears welling up in my eyes. The text was something that I needed to hear, and how else would he know what I have been feeling had I not been authentic and vulnerable with him? " . . . I know you don't know how much that's true, so start realizing it! God loves you so much and is so proud of you, whether or not you know it or believe it . . ." This simple and sweet text message touched my heart and brought some light to some darkness I have been feeling. Clayson knows better than most people what I have been going through because I have no filter when I am talking to him (and he probably wishes that I did sometimes, ha ha ha!) and it is because I have been honest, open, real, and allowed him to know the real me. I will never understand how I got blessed to have a friend like this, one who will drop everything and be there for his friends. I will be forever grateful for my incredible friend, a friend who just accepts me for me, allows me to be myself, crazy decisions and all, and is always willing to allow me to just be me. He has been a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board when I am struggling, and a voice of reason when I feel like I am going crazy. I am grateful to have a friend like you buddy. This is just one example of the many that I could choose from of how something Clayson has said or done has had an impact on me and my life. Thanks buddy!

The other night as I was in bed and could not fall asleep for the life of me. Nothing new, what with 26 years worth of experience not sleeping, but I just was bored, stuck in my own thoughts, and was just feeling like I didn't want to just lay in bed anymore. The thought came to my mind, "I would love to just have someone to talk to right now," and at that very moment my phone started to ring. One of my best friends, John, was calling. We talked on the phone for almost an hour and it was wonderful. We just talked about everything and anything, and it was so much fun. He is a great person to talk to. He is authentic, real, and just fun to talk to. We just talk and laugh, but at the same time are able to be serious and real. It is great. When I talk to him I just feel happy because I know that I am talking to a friend who really cares about me, who sincerely wants to know about my life, and who I feel the same way about. If you know me you will know that small talk is not my favorite thing, and with him there isn't really any small talk that happens. I know that he sincerely is interested in me, and I am sincerely interested in his life, and we actually talk. I was feeling lonely and wanting someone to talk to and suddenly my phone rang. God was answering a prayer for me, and I couldn’t help but thank my Heavenly Father for having one of my favorite people give me a call. Then I got to spend the next morning with him and continue having an incredible conversation. With him I can just be myself, and he can just be himself, and it is wonderful I spent the last 14 years of my life trying to pretend to be someone that I am not. I was pretending to fit the mold. I was pretending to be someone that I thought I needed to be because I thought that if anyone knew the real me they wouldn't accept me. I have learned through being with people like this friend that I am loved for who I really am. I am okay to be me. Sure I have my set of difficulties, trials, needs, wants, fears, and doubts, but that is okay. I can be myself and be loved for it. I have learned that living more authentically has allowed me to gain more confidence in myself, allowed me to accept the things about me that I never wanted to accept before, and helped me to realize that I am okay just the way that I am. People love me for me. People love the real me. My world didn’t end when I came out. In a way it began anew because I wasn’t pretending to be someone else. I have been learning to just be myself, and I am loving it. Thanks John for letting me just be myself and for being such a great friend.

I am just profoundly grateful for the joy that has come into my life from trying to live more authentically and not worrying about what people will think of me. I am making decisions not based off of what others will think or presume about me, and it has been great. I am not perfect at it and there are some things that I do that immediately I think, “What is _________ going to think or say?” For example, a month ago I got a tattoo. I don’t regret it, and I have my reasons for why I got it, so let’s not make a big deal about it. As soon as it was finished I immediately said to myself, “I love this! It is exactly what I wanted. I wonder what Alex is going to think about this . . .” I didn’t tell a lot of people I was getting it, so it was kind of shocking for people to see it, and I was kind of afraid of reactions. I went to the Priesthood Session of Conference with Alex (well, we watched it at his Aunt’s house) and it was great, but I was nervous for him to see my tattoo, but in an effort to be authentic I just showed it to him (after making him REALLY worried about me. Long story . . .). All he said was, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” and that meant a lot to me. I don’t even think that I need to say more about the blessing that this friend is in my life. The words, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” speak volumes to me, and I think that it comes from trying to live my life in a way that feels more real, that feels like I am being myself. You are wonderful Alex, and I am grateful for you. I am allowing myself to be seen and known for the real Kevin, as opposed to trying to be someone that I thought everyone wanted me to be.

Since October my life has changed. I first started trying to be authentic to myself, and then slowly began opening up and being myself with more and more people, and the blessings of doing so have been innumerable. I have become friends with some of the most wonderful people in the world. I have gained important and significant friendships with people I care deeply about (Bradley, Kenneth, Luke, Erik, Neil, Michael, Bryce), strengthened the friendships with people super important to me (Carolyn, Victoria, Chad, Rebecca, Ruthann), and have stronger and more fulfilling relationships with my family. I have moved out of my parent’s house which has lead to many opportunities for me. I have been learning who I am, what I want out of my life, and learning that people really do love me for the person that I am. I have learned that by living authentically and being more vulnerable can bring so much joy. I have started to be able to not worry so much about what people think of me, and am worrying more about just being me. Life is too short to live with a mask on, and taking mine off has been one of the greatest things that I have ever done.