Kate and Leo - A Different Kind of Love Story

Today has been one of those long and reflective days. There is so much going on in this head of mine that I don’t even know where to begin, but I am going to start with two people you might know: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Kate and Leo are amazing actors. They have worked on some absolutely phenomenal films, both separate and together. I could list all of them, but there are just too many to even begin to list, (The Aviator, Revolutionary Road, The Reader, Catch Me If You Can, Finding Neverland, etc.) but I think you all know where I am going with this: 1997. Kate and Leo were cast together as love interests in the greatest movie of all time, Titanic. They had some pretty palpable on screen chemistry and the entire world expected them to become an item. The whole world was expecting them to become lovers in real life, but they never did, and THIS is why I think that they are amazing.

In a world where people were saying that they needed to do something, be something, become something, they went against all odds and beliefs and became just the best of friends. Kate and Leo truly love one another and have spoken in interviews about the love that they have for each other, but it is not romantic love. They love one another in a way that not many people understand or even contemplate experiencing. They have been best friends for over 18 years. They have supported one another, helped one another, and been there for one another. Leo even walked her down the aisle at one of her weddings. If you don’t believe how much they love one another, just watch Kate’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globes for “RevolutionaryRoad” followed by Leo’s message to her on Oprah the next day, their cute reaction to running into each other the Oscars last night, and then their reactions for one another as they each won awards this current award season. They love one another in a way that is absolutely beautiful.

Why am I focusing on this right now? The world expects me to express my love one way. The world tells me that I need to find a man to be with, to be true to myself, and to leave religion because I won’t be accepted. Some people in the church have the idea that I can’t be gay and a member of the church. Some people say that there are no gay members of the church, or that it is a sin to experience same-sex attraction. Some people think that I am inherently a sinner or look at any relationship I have as something bad and to be avoided. Some people tell me that I can’t express love, but I don’t find that true. Love and sexual intimacy are totally different things in my opinion. I can love someone and not be breaking the law of chastity. The law of chastity is the same for me as it is for everyone else, I just like to think that God trusts me enough to bless me with an extra dose of love for men because He knows that I am strong enough to develop close relationships with my guy friends that won’t cross a line, but will actually help me to become the man that He wants and expects me to become. There is nothing wrong with some good ol’ guy time. I can totally picture Jesus sitting with me, putting his arm around me, holding me as I cry, walking hand in hand, and loving me in an amazing and wonderful way.

“As I have loved you, love one another.” Jesus commanded us to be as He is, and He is full of love. He went about loving everyone that He came in contact with. He taught the truths, shared the gospel, healed the sick, raised the dead, and performed so many miracles. I love my Savior so much and am grateful for Him, for His atoning sacrifice, and for His example for me. I am commanded to love. I have friends who I love dearly, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me just as I am. He loves me unconditionally. I have a testimony of The Family: A Proclamation to the World and know that it is true and that the family is central to God’s plan, and that I DO have a place in that plan. I may not have my own family in this life, but I don’t think that God expects me to walk alone through life. I don’t think that He expects me to live alone and lonely, sad and bitter. I can’t shake the feeling that the people who are in my life are in it for a reason, that the friends I have are the friends I have always had, we just needed to find one another, and that the Lord has lead me to find them in wonderful and mysterious ways.

There is a scripture that I have turned to quite a few times today that has brought me comfort. Hebrews 13:1 says, “Let brotherly love continue.” I love this scripture. I don’t think that God expects me to never experience love. In fact I would bet that He wants me to experience it more than anything, it just might be in the way that Kate and Leo experience it, the love of true best friends.

This is just one of the things that has been on my mind today, and I needed to express what I have been thinking. Thank you Kate and Leo for being a great example to me of the fact that people can love each other, be close to one another, express their love for one another, and break the stereotypical molds of what people expect them to be. If they can do it, why can’t I?

The Lord's Timing - Sharing Some Thoughts

I have come to realize a lot of things over the past little while. I have come to realize that I shouldn’t be eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night if I really want to lose weight and become healthier. I have come to realize that sleep is definitely overrated and that my most productive hours of the day are between 1:30-3:30 am. I have come to realize that Rose is basically responsible for Jack dying on “Titanic” because although the scene where she jumps back on is the most romantic moment in cinematic history and the movie would definitely not be the same without it, he had incredible survival skills and would have found that door to float on and they would have lived a happy life together. I have come to realize that my love for the character of Zelena is because I love the vulnerability that Rebecca Mader puts into the character, even though she is beyond crazy, she just wants what she can’t have, and that I am basically the male version of Emma. I have come to realize that song lyrics speak to me and have found recently so many songs have messages that are basically my life right now, and they are better at saying what I am feeling/experiencing than I ever could be. All of these things are great realizations to have, but what I have realized more powerfully than anything recently is how important it is to trust in the Lord, have faith in His timing, and to enjoy the little moments of joy that come during difficult times.

If you asked me in September how I was doing, I would have lied to you and said that I was doing great. I would have just pretended that life was absolutely wonderful and that I was, “Living the dream,” (a phrase that I still use to this day, but now it has different meaning). I would have put on a brave face and pretended that all was fine, but inside of me there was a battle that had been raging for as long as I could remember, and it was all starting to come to a head. I would sit in my room and try and just pretend that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. Then general conference came and Elder Holland spoke. At that moment I realized that it was time to accept being gay and move forward with my life. Life has been incredibly different since that day, and it has been absolutely wonderful. Listening to that talk was a life altering experience for me and I am beyond grateful that the Lord spoke to me at that moment, but why at that moment? Why is it that it took me so long to finally accept myself for who I am, a son of God with just an extra dose of love for men (and a non-existent physical attraction towards women)? Why is it that I was living with this constant turmoil? I prayed all the time for answers to figure out what these feelings meant, why they were a part of me, and if I needed to change, but as I listened to Elder Holland speak a wave of peace came over me and the undeniable knowledge that God loves me for me and that He did not expect me to change was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was ready to accept this part of me for myself, and wished that I had done it sooner.

I have thought a lot recently about this. Why was the Lord’s prompting me to come out at this point in my life? Elder Neal A. Maxwell said something that kind of touched on this point. He said, “The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” The part in it that hit home to me was, “. . . our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally.” Obviously the Lord was preparing me for something in my life. He was preparing me in a lot of ways. I came out at the perfect time in my life, and there are various reasons why, but after pondering this for a little bit over the past couple of days, and vocalizing some of the things that I have been thinking and feeling last night, here are some of the conclusions that I have come up with, and they all kind of spiral into a series of events that have changed me as a person.

First and foremost, the Lord wanted me to gain confidence in myself, and find a strength that I didn’t know I had. I have a tendency to wonder and worry about what people are thinking of me. When I debated coming out publicly, my biggest fears were always, “What will so and so think? What will so and so say?” etc. I realized that I was placing to much emphasis on what other people would think and began to change my thought process. I began to realize that if I am not confident in myself, I can’t expect others to be confident in me. If I wanted people to accept me, I had to completely accept myself. I found out that I needed to love every aspect of myself. I needed to love me for me. Once I did and I found the confidence I needed, I began to open up and talk to people and found that my being gay wasn’t as big of a deal to people as I had expected it to be. The reactions I was getting were something like this, “Okay. I love you the same.” and then the conversation just moved on to something else. It wasn’t a big deal, and to me it meant that I was just loved for me. I have found so much love and healing, confidence and trust, and am happier now than I have ever been because I could just be myself. I don’t worry anymore about anyone finding out my “secret” because it isn’t secret anymore, and I don’t know why I was so worried before. I have just found that if it isn’t a big deal to me, then it won’t be a big deal to everyone else. This is just a piece of the puzzle that I am.

Secondly, I was lead to some of the greatest people on the face of the planet. I was lead to find some of the greatest guys on the earth who have become some of the closest friends I could ever ask for. I have found people who accept me for me, welcomed me with open arms, and have become like family to me, supporting me in keeping my covenants, sharing testimonies and temple trips, and teaching me how to be Christlike and full of charity. I have a best friend who is there for always, who listens to my rambling texts, and has been a rock in my life, an example to me of the way to live, and has supported me in many, MANY moments in life, who I can just sit and do nothing with and feel great about my life. I feel like I can just be, and that is great. I have been blessed beyond belief with friends who randomly seem to know when I need a boost, who have shown up with vitamin water when I was sick, who have taken me to dinner when I was feeling down, made me feel valued and loved, sent random texts and seemed to have the exact words that I needed to hear, and who have done so much for me to help me become the person I am becoming. It is NOT a coincidence that I met the people I met when I did, and it is not a coincidence that the Lord put me in the path to find them, because I couldn’t have gotten through the next few months without these people.

I know that I have spoken about this before, but I am just going to do it again because it emphasizes the fact that the Lord knew what He was doing when He prompted me to come out when I did. In December there was a tragedy that occurred, and looking back at my life since October I realize that God prompted me to come out when I did so that I would be able to get through this event. I got the news while I was out to lunch with a dear friend and I kind of went numb, trying to pretend I didn't just read that text. He checked on me every single day after that. I left work a mess and texted one of my favorite people asking if I could come over that night so that I wasn’t alone, and he didn’t even hesitate to let me come over and just held me as I lost it. He and his roommate gave me a blessing and then just let me cry and cry as my best friend comforted me and held me and let me experience all of the emotions that I was experiencing. He let me stay over later than normal that night, sacrificing his sleep to comfort me as I was mourning and feeling sadder than I had ever felt, but knowing that I wasn’t alone and that I had him made it bearable (and he has done that again recently as tragedies have occured). I texted a dear friend from my old Singles Ward on a Saturday as I was losing it emotionally and mentally and his response was, “I’m on my way over. Want to get a bite to eat?” and he just let me talk and cry and rescued me from a very dark place that day. Three of these amazing men came with me to Music and the Spoken Word that Sunday and just comforted me as I cried through the songs (and completely lost it during “God be with you ‘til we meet again”). Someone came to the funeral with me, even though he didn’t know the person, he was just there for me. This was just one experience, albeit a tragic one, that illustrates my point that God wanted me to be out so that He could lead me to find some of these people, because I wouldn’t have met them had I not been out and invited to a Christmas party. There have been amazing times as well, too many to even list. I have become a better person because of some of these people. I have felt God’s love for me through them, and countless others. Whether it was starting the new year watching the greatest movie of all time with the best company imaginable, going to Sundance for the first time ever and being able to cross that off my bucket list, having a gym buddy who motivates me to exercise and face some of my fears, or just having someone to share the good times and the bad times, to be myself with without any pretexts or faces, or expectations. It is not a coincidence that these men are a part of my life. God knew beforehand the things that I was going to be experiencing, and He allowed me to meet the people who would be able to make my burden light, to be there for me in the good times and the bad times, and who have become like a second family to me. I wouldn’t have met these amazing people had I not trusted in the Lord’s time and been willing to accept what He was telling me to do. I love you all!

All of these experiences have allowed me to gain a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have started to be more authentic in my life, and it has allowed me to feel the spirit more. I am not living in a constant state of contention with myself anymore. I don’t feel shame for the attractions that I have. I don’t feel like an outcast anymore. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me or that I need to be fixed. I don’t feel scared anymore about what the future holds. I used to fear all the time that I would end up alone and afraid for the rest of my life, but that is not the case anymore. I have felt the Lord’s hand in my life. I have felt him lift and support me, guide me, and protect me. I have a stronger testimony of my Savior. I have a stronger understanding of the divinity that I have within me, that my “gayness” is not just something that happened but that it is a part of who I was before, who I am now, and will allow for beautiful experiences that I hope to see extended into the eternities. I have the hope for a wife and children (not in this life probably, but in the eternities), but I also have the hope and belief that the relationships that I develop here in this life with my nearest and dearest friends will last on into the eternities. I heard something last night that kind of spoke volumes to me. I remember growing up praying that these feelings would be taken away from me, and now I can’t imagine life without them. They are a part of me and have let me learn and grow in ways that I don’t know how else I would have. I have learned so much about myself, about my Heavenly Father, and have gained a stronger testimony on many, MANY things. I have learned about the need for an eternal perspective, and am enjoying the journey that I am on.

I don’t have all of the answers in life, and I am impatient when it comes to a lot of things, but I do know that I am an eternal being having a mortal experience, and that I need to continue trusting in the Lord and accepting His timetable. I like to plan things out, but I am realizing that my plans are not always the Lord’s, and I am finding that when I just trust in Him, everything seems to turn out right. Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke at BYU in 2002 about the Lord’s timing, and something that he said has been on my mind:

“I return to the subject with which I began. Do not rely on planning every event of your life—even every important event. Stand ready to accept the Lord’s planning and the agency of others in matters that inevitably affect you. Plan, of course, but fix your planning on personal commitments that will carry you through no matter what happens. Anchor your life to eternal principles, and act upon those principles whatever the circumstances and whatever the actions of others. Then you can await the Lord’s timing and be sure of the outcome in eternity.

The most important principle of timing is to take the long view. Mortality is just a small slice of eternity, but how we conduct ourselves here—what we become by our actions and desires, confirmed by our covenants and the ordinances administered to us by proper authority—will shape our destiny for all eternity. As the prophet Amulek taught, “This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God” (Alma 34:32). That reality should help us take the long view—the timing of eternity.”

Mortality is just a small slice of eternity. This life is wonderful. I have experienced a lot of joy, a lot of hope, and a lot of peace since beginning to just accept the Lord’s timetable. Accepting that He is in charge and being willing to do as He asks me to do has been liberating, freeing, and wonderful. Accepting that He loves me for me, all of me, has been the greatest blessing in my life. I hope and pray that I will be able to continue to accept the Lord’s time. I know that I am a son of God, and that He loves me, and that as I continue to just live the best I can, keeping my covenants and not pretending to be anything that I am not, I will be blessed. I love you all and hope that this post makes some kind of sense . . . I seem to be rambly . . .

How Do I Find Rest?

I had an interesting conversation with a coworker the other morning. We were discussing a lot of different things, religious and not religious, and he posed a very interesting question to me. He said, “What does it mean that ‘I will give you rest’?” We were discussing adversity, because that is the topic that he will be teaching on in Elders quorum in a couple of weeks, so we were discussing the different forms of adversity that we all have in our lives, from personal and private ones, to ones that are more visible to others, and we came to this scripture in Matthew. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” So I pose the question to you, what does it mean that He will give us rest?

When my amazing coworker asked this, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. I have always believed this scripture to be true, but I have never actually put it into practice or thought about it, so I didn’t have an immediate answer or reaction other than, “Good question.” I mean, it is the same as, “Cast your burdens upon the Lord.” It is fun to say, but how do you actually do it? I sat there in silence for a minute, and if you know me you know that silence is one of my greatest fears and annoyances in life. True story, silence is the thing that scares me the most in the world, more than anything. It puts me on edge and makes me uncomfortable and when things are absolutely silent I get extremely uncomfortable. I have to have some kind of noise, music, or someone talking or else I can’t function. Anyways, weird tangent that was, but yes, I just sat there in silence thinking about it wondering what it means that He will give me rest.

I was asked, “Do you feel rest in the temple?” and immediately I responded with yes. “Do you feel rest at church?” Yes. “Do you feel rest while reading the scriptures?” Yes. “Do you feel rest when praying?” Yes. What is it about the temple, going to church, reading my scriptures, or the simple act of praying that makes me feel rest? How is it that when I feel burdened or heavy laden that I can find rest, even if momentarily, from my woes and cares? What is it about these simple things that bring me closer to my Savior and allow me to find peace, even if for a moment, in a crazy and tumultuous world?

I wish that I had the answers, but my coworker came up with an metaphor or analogy that I think fits pretty well with this: Drowning. When you are drowning, you are in complete panic mode. You are struggling, flailing, and fighting, and if you break the surface, even for a moment, and are able to take just a gasp of air, you can survive for a little bit longer. That is physically drowning. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally we can be drowning too. We can be so bogged down by our trials, temptations, addictions, fears, trepidations, sorrows, hurts, pains, confusions, or whatever you are going through that it can feel like we are drowning. As we fight through these things, we do the small and simple things, like praying or reading scriptures, and it is like we are able to take a breath of air and survive a little longer. As we go to church it is like our head is out of the water for a longer time and we are able to recoup for a little bit. Going to the temple is like getting out of the water for a minute and regrouping, preparing to dive back in and swim, but we are able to swim a little bit better. As we continue to do the little things, we are able to keep our heads above the water for longer and longer. If we continually do them, we will be able to float.

As I heard this idea, the spirit spoke to me and it just rang true to me. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning, and as I look at my life I realize that there are a lot of things that I should be doing that would help me to keep afloat. If I would take more time to seriously study the scriptures, take time to seriously work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior, take time to make sure my Sunday worship and temple attendance are how they should be, then I would be in a lot better shape, and I am working on that. Casting my burdens upon the Lord is difficult for me, because I don’t fully understand what that means, but I do know that when I am down, He will pick me up. When I am lonely, He will send me comfort. When I am sad, He will dry my tears. I have felt that and I have seen that, and I have a firm testimony in the fact that my Savior knows me and loves me.

I have been meeting with a life coach, and he is absolutely amazing and has helped me SO MUCH! Last week while meeting with him we were working through some residual anger and hurt that I had, and it ended up being a life-changing experience for me. Part of it was looking back and pinpointing some exact emotions and feelings that I have been feeling, and then turning them over to the Lord. As I worked on doing that during the session with him, I had a very personal and spiritual experience that helped me to change my outlook and feelings on a lot of different things. I felt walls breakdown, felt healing begin to take place, and had a drastic change in attitude. Yes, I broke down and started to cry, which I do not like to do in front of people (I have been told it is an endearing quality of mine, but I really don’t like crying in front of people . . .) but it was definitely okay in this situation because the spirit was strong in the room and we both were feeling it. I distinctly heard the words come to my mind, “Let it go, because we love you” and that is what I have been trying to do in so many situations. I have been holding on to a lot of anger and resentment, but I won’t go into all of the situations where that has happened because the list goes on and on, but that doesn’t matter anymore, because I am finally starting to be able to realize that I can let it go because I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, and that is all that truly matters. What other people think of me isn’t the most important thing in my life. Other people are allowed to have their opinions and views of me, and that is totally fine, but it doesn’t really matter because the only opinions that matter, really, are those of my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and how I feel about myself. Sure it is nice to feel validated by other people, but what is truly important is my relationship with my Father in Heaven and being square with him.

That was extremely healing. I feel like that was me casting a burden on the Lord, and He took care of me. I won’t pretend like after that life has been just a bed of roses, but it has been A LOT better and I don’t have as much anger or resentment in my heart. Satan likes to work on tearing us down, for sure, and I am not going to lie, Thursday was amazing and then the weekend happened and I don’t know why but suddenly I was like, “Blah!” but I recognize who those feelings come from and am finding it easier to “Let it go, because we [Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ] love you,” and I am able to allow myself to be happy. I am able to allow myself to finally start to become the son of God that I know my Heavenly Father wants, and expects, me to become. Someone told me something just this morning through a text that I don’t think he realizes how much it meant to me, but it was just a simple statement that I didn’t realize I needed to hear. “You are always of value Kevin!” Thank you my friend for that reminder. Life is challenging sometimes, and we can feel like we are drowning, but if we just do the simple things that will lead us back to our Heavenly Father, do the things that will strengthen our relationship with Him, we can keep our heads above the water and eventually just get out of the water entirely and return to be with Him.