Opposition in All Things

First I have to say thank you to some people. I am not going to mention any names, but you know who you are. I have been going through some things recently, and there have been a few people who have done more for me than they can possibly know or even comprehend. A friend of mine who I grew up with texted me out of the blue one day and just said, "Hey Kevin :) I was thinking about you today and thought I would send you a text. It seems like you have been struggling a bit. Is there anything I can do for you?" A friend from high school messaged me on Facebook out of the blue and said, "Hey Kevin! This is totally random but I have been wanting to send you a message just letting you know I have been thinking about you. You have seemed down lately and I hope you know that you are an awesome person and if I can ever help with anything I am here for you!" My mom sent me a random text that said, "Been thinking about you today. Just wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you are my son and I love you!"Another friend out of the blue texted and said, "Let's go get Froyo" when I was feeling down. Another friend watched some of my favorite movie of all time, even though it isn't his favorite movie, just because he loves me. Another friend stayed up super later than usual for him when I was having an EXTREMELY rough day so that I had someone to talk to, saying, "Yes, I will be tired tomorrow, but you are more important than my sleep." My roommate always makes me feel important and validated.  A family friend just gave me a hug out of nowhere. Another family in the ward made sure I know how much I am loved by saying, "We love you Kev and you always have a place here with us. If you need a place to go , to vent, or someone to talk to, we are here for you." Friends came to support me as I sang in church, some of them changing their plans so that they could be there to cheer me on. I am surrounded by love and people who care about me, and it isn't out of nowhere, it is an answer to many, MANY prayers. As much as I want to just throw in the towel sometimes, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and, as I have been told during a blessing before, He has put people in my life who love me and care about me as an extension of HIS love for me. The list goes on and on and I could spend an entire blog post just thanking people personally for the love that they have shown to me, but I would rather do that in person. This is just a way for me to quickly show how the hand of the Lord has been in my life, even when I haven't been wanting to see it or feeling deserving of His love for me.

So life is hard, and life is not fair. Life can be absolutely ridiculous sometimes, and it is sometimes more than I can deal with. I was venting to one of my friends last week and this week he sent me a talk that was given during last April's General Conference by Elder Oaks that is titled, "Opposition in All Things." I don't remember this talk when it was given, but as I read it I thought to myself, "Alright, this is for me." So, I think that I am going to recap some of the stuff that stuck out to me in the talk and then add some personal stories to tie into it.

Elder Oaks said, "Satan's proposal would have ensured perfect equality: it would 'redeem all mankind,' that not one soul would be lost. There would be no agency or choice by anyone and, therefore, no need for opposition. There would be no test, no failure, and no success. There would be no growth to attain the purpose the Father desired for His children." I am going to admit that sometimes I think to myself, "You know, Satan's plan made a lot of sense." Agency is a blessing, but sometimes I feel like it is a curse because I don't always make the best choices. Then I think about all that I have been taught and all that I understand about life before I was born and I remind myself that Satan's version of the plan is stupid. How boring would it be if we all came here and were the same? How boring would it be to not be able to make any choices at all? Even though I don't always make good choices, I recognize so much the joy that comes when I DO choose the better path. How would I know this joy though if I never had the chance to make mistakes? I am grateful for agency, even though it is difficult. I need to have the opposition between good and bad, and better and best, choices so that I can learn and grow to become the man my Heavenly Father want me to become.

"All of us experience various kinds of opposition that test us. Some of these tests are temptations to sin. Some are mortal challenges apart from personal sin. Some are very great. Some are minor. Some are continuous, and some are mere episodes. None of us is exempt. Opposition permits us to grow toward what our Heavenly Father would have us become." This paragraph kind of hit home to me. My life is hard sometimes, and when I look completely inward of course it is hard. What I don't always do is look around and see that, in reality, my life is no more challenging than anyone else, it is just challenging in a different way. Complete transparency here, I feel bitter about a lot of things. I had a conversation in the car with one of my friends where I was just complaining and being bitter and angry about a certain circumstance in my life. So this friend of mine pretty much knows me better than anyone on the planet and he, bless his heart, always lets me vent and talk to him. I am pretty forthright with him and share pretty much everything because I trust him and value his opinion and he has helped me always. So I was complaining while we were driving and being kind of bitter about something. I was sharing a fear that I have, and that I had never vocalized, and he said to me, "Is the church true?" I responded, "Of course I know it is true." and he said, "Then this fear doesn't need to be a fear. We have been taught that we are all entitled to the same blessings, so you don't need to be afraid of this. Yes, this mortal life can suck sometimes and be really hard and challenging, but as long as we do our part we will all be blessed the same. So, if the church is true you don't need to worry." That has been on my mind since he said that to me and I can't stop thinking about that. The question, "Is the church true?" I can answer without a doubt that I KNOW it is true, so his response of, "Then you don't need to worry about that fear," is so true. I had a similar conversation with one of my favorite people on earth at church today. We were chatting after church and talking about some of the difficulties that we both have been going through and the trials that we have and she said, "Kevin, I know that God will make up for it in the end. While it is COMPLETELY unfair for both of us, in different ways, I have to believe that God knows us, loves us, and will make up for it in the end. I don't understand why we all have to go through the things that we go through, but I wouldn't come to a church that teaches what we teach here if I didn't know it were true and I didn't know that God would make it all better." This is so true. Two different conversations with two different, amazing people who basically said the same thing. It is true and I have to believe it. While it doesn't make it any easier, I am going to choose to believe that God will make it better in the end and that I am not just going to get to the next life and be told, "Well, sucks to be you." He will make it better and I will not be denied any blessing that I have been promised. It doesn't make it easy to endure, but at least I know that I am not having to endure alone and I have people who love and care about me.

"Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. . . . . Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father . . . knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each on of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure." This was where I was like, "Well there is the slap in the face. Can I really endure?" I need to have the strength to endure this life, and it comes from truly living the gospel. I have to make the choice. I can't just go at it halfway and hope for the best. Sometimes that is all I can do, is have hope, because, "Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing," but it is really a lot harder than I expected. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times as I have poured my heart out to the Lord in recent months. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times with some of my closest friends as I opened up to them about some of my doubts, fears, and issues. I used to think that my crying was something to be embarrassed about, but I have come to accept that it is just part of me. I was talking with a friend and was like, "I don't want to talk about me because then I will start crying," and he said, "Kevin, it's you, you cry, and there is nothing wrong with that." Yup, I cry, so if you have seen me cry, you know that I love and trust you. ;) Heavenly Father loves us and knows each and every one of us. While life isn't fair, it was n ever meant to be. I still sometimes don't know where I really belong, and I think that that is not fair, but I am working on it. I still don't think it is fair that I watch family and friends get married, have kids, and enjoy the blessings of a temple marriage while I am just S.O.L. on that aspect. It is not fair that I don't feel like I belong in a singles ward but then also don't feel like I contribute to a family ward. There is a lot that is not fair in my mind, but then again there is a lot that I have to be thankful for in my life that is beyond fair. Because of what I have sometimes deemed to be unfair, I have been lead to some of the greatest people in my life who have become some of my very best friends. I have seen the hand of the Lord lifting me up and helping me to gain some unique and special perspectives. I have been able to learn more about who I am and who the Lord wants me to be (this is a work in progress . . . I still don't know it all, but I am working on that). I have been able to be more empathetic and sympathetic, and have gained a larger family, because I consider my closest friends to be my family as well. My life, while not perfect, is pretty amazing when I step back and look at it from an outside perspective. When I take a second and think about my blessings as opposed to my perceived injustices, I am beyond blessed.

So, opposition is necessary in life, but in my current hell I have seen a lot of blessings as well. I am not perfect by any means. I don't always love myself and there is so much that I wish I could change about myself and my life, but I am okay. Life is a process and I am learning to take things one day at a time. So, for those of you who have stuck by me and been there for me always, I love you more than you could even imagine. I am beyond grateful for you and for what you have done to touch my life and build me up. To those of you who send me random text messages out of nowhere, you have been answers to prayers that I have been saying, pleading with the Lord to feel of His love for me. To the people in my life who know the real me, the Kevin who doesn't hide anything, I say thank you for being you and allowing me to be open and be myself.. Thank you for making me feel safe and loved, even when I don't always love myself. I love you all so much and don't want to imagine my life without you in it. As usual I am not going to go back and edit or censor this, so these are my ramblings, so I hope that it is coherent and makes some semblance of sense. Anyhow, life is hard, but it is worth it if we endure. God is good and He loves us all! If I have learned anything in the past few months it is that God loves each of us individually and although life may not seem fair, He knows better and if we can only learn to trust Him, it will all work out in the end. I am trying to believe that more fully. So, as my friend asked me, "Is the church true?" I say it is, and that means we have nothing to fear and everything will work out in the end.

Cursed Child - What I Learned

It has been a little while since I blogged . . . Quite some time actually. First and foremost, I don't know how you all  put up with me. I am pretty crazy and full of drama, so to those of you who have stuck around during my craziness, you are amazing and I love and appreciate you more than you can know.

Life has taken some interesting turns recently. I say interesting because I am trying to stay positive. In reality I have not been in a good place recently, kind of emotionally and spiritually struggling, but let's be honest, I am REALLY good at being quite dramatic and making things a lot more difficult and challenging than they need to be. I am REALLY good at that. I seem to make overreact and make things seem worse than they really are, but that is just how I am. Because of a lot of difficult situations that I have put myself in, I have been brought down really low emotionally and spiritually, having some pretty strong doubts and having a hard time seeing the light in the darkness. I have had some pretty difficult times, but don't we all? I am not writing this asking for sympathy or for you to pity me, just to be able to let you know where my frame of mind has been recently. I haven't been myself, and am trying to figure out who I am. If I am honest, I have thought to myself, "How will I be remembered when I die? What is there about me that people will know and remember? How do people think of me right now? All there is about me is that I am overly obsessed with Titanic, addicted to Once Upon A Time, and an uber fan of Harry Potter. What else is there about me?"

This brings me to Harry Potter. Ha ha ha! Right? I just sit and say that I don't want to only be remembered for my crazy obsession with Harry Potter and then I immediately bring it up. This weekend saw the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts 1 & 2. This is the script for the 8th story in the series. I was SUPER excited about it. I mean, obviously, it is the next story in the greatest series of all time, the series that changed and saved my life growing up. I felt like I was going home to Hogwarts as I downloaded the book on my iPad. It was different because it was a script and not a novel. I found myself wishing that it were a novel most of the time, if not the whole time, but it was still really good. Was it the greatest part of the series? No. Was it the worst? No. Did I love it? Yes, most definitely. It was better than I expected. The thing is, I felt like the script was speaking directly to me. I felt like the script was released in the perfect time for where I am at in my life right now. There were many things that felt like I was reading about my own life and reading a lot of advice that I needed to hear. There were so many profound quotes in the script that have stuck with me since I read it Saturday night. Also, Albus is one of my favorite characters in the series and reading his story was like reading my story in a lot of ways, at least that's how I saw it.

Now I am not going to spoil the play for anyone who hasn't read it, but I am going to share some quotes from it and then discuss how the quotes have spoken to me. So, be warned, there are direct quotes coming from the play . . . 

"Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe." Dumbledore's wisdom . . . This quote is absolutely profound. I have been looking for a lot of answers recently, a lot of answers to a lot of questions that I have been having, and I love Dumbledore's answer that there is no perfect answer. The world is not perfect, and even though we can find happiness, we will NEVER be exempt from pain either. The knowledge that pain will come is real, and it is part of the human experience. It is part of the human experience to feel pain. It is human. Something that I have noticed recently though is that I have been able to see something through this pain that I have been in, and that is something that I have taken from Dumbledore's quote where he says to be honest to those you love and show your pain. I complain a lot about parts of my life. I am pretty open with a couple of people who know a lot more about anything that I have been going through than anyone else, and that is because I love them and trust them beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that is profound I think. In discussing something this morning with a coworker I said something like, "I am just afraid that my friends are going to get sick and tired of me, that they are going to be like, 'Kevin is just too dramatic and sad and I don't want anything to do with him anymore,' and that idea freaks me out," to which my coworker responded, "Kevin, the people who actually love you will never do that. They will feel sad that you are hurting, they will want to help, and they will be there for you no matter what you are going through. You will see the people who are truly your friends and who love you no matter what you are going through." That is so true, and I love my friends. 

"DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing. SCORPIUS: He needs me to do what? DELPHI: That’s the thing, isn’t it? About friendships. You don’t know what he needs. You only know he needs it. Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together." This scene kind of hit me pretty hard. A lot of things had happened up to this point in the play that lead to this conversation, and I think that it is important to note that this is a key to friendship, one that I am learning through a lot of recent experiences. You don't always know what the other person needs, but you know that they need something. Sometimes it is just a text saying that you are thinking about them. Sometimes it is an invite to go see a movie. Sometimes it is just a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. I had a couple of experiences like this over the past little while that have resonated deeply with me about this plain and simple sentence. So I had been praying for a little while for something very specific. I had been praying that someone would offer to give me a blessing. I know, I know, I should ask for a blessing if I need one, but I honestly didn't want to ask for one because, well, I don't know why, but anyways, I had been praying for almost a week that someone would offer to give me a blessing. Well, I was having an extremely rough day. I think that everything was finally catching up to me and the stress of everything was reaching a boiling point and I was reaching my breaking point. I went home sick from work, because on top of all of the emotional crap, I was physically sick. Well, a friend of mine texted me and we were talking and he invited me to go to dinner with some of his friends, but I was sick so I just thanked him for the invite but told him I would have to take a raincheck. He asked if he could bring me anything and I jokingly said, "Well, I would never say no to a slurpee, but no, you are fine. Have fun with your friends!" and I wasn't expecting anything. A couple of hours later I got a text that said, "So, what flavor of slurpee do you want?" and he brought me a slurpee. We got to talking for an hour or so and he said, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I just said, "I don't know. I can't think of anything." "Do you want a blessing?" I just nodded and silently thanked God for an answer to a prayer. I cried the entire blessing because things were said that I needed to hear, and the spirit was strong. This friend said some things that I know came directly from God to me and I am beyond grateful that he was in tune with the spirit to be able to recognize that that was what I needed. He said stuff that I have hinted towards, but that I am not sure that I had actually said out loud, which to me showed the amount of care, concern, and love that my dear friend has for me. He came over not knowing what I needed, but he has been a dear friend to me, one of the greatest I have ever had, and I am grateful for that. Now I just need to actually follow through with the things I was counseled to do in the blessing and then actually be the kind of friend that he is to me. I don’t think that I always reciprocate the love and amazingness that people give to me, but I am working on it. 

"After I came out of hospital — everyone ignored me, shut me out — other than, that is, the boy who had everything — who came across the Gryffindor common room and challenged me to a game of Exploding Snap. People think they know all there is to know about you, but the best bits of you are — have always been — heroic in really quiet ways. My point is — after this is over, just remember if you could that sometimes people — but particularly children — just want someone to play Exploding Snap with." THIS! Amen to this. Amen to all of this. Sometimes people don't need a hero to solve all of their problems, but they need the hero who just invites them to do stuff, and there have been quite a few heroes who have done that for me over the past little while. A friend who invites me to dinner with him and his other friend. A couple of friends who get me out of the house to watch a hilarious movie with them to try and distract myself and get me out of my situation. A friend who goes to Lagoon with me and makes sure that I am doing okay. A friend who texts me in the morning and says, "Hey Kevin, how are you doing today? You doing okay?" I was told, "Kevin, God knows that you need tangible evidences of the love that He has for you, and a portion of that comes through the people that have come into your life, the people you have known your whole life and the people who you haven't known for a long time but feel like you have known for many lifetimes," and I know that that is absolutely true. I know that I am hard headed, that I am not super good at recognizing God's hand and love in my life, but when I look at it objectively, I can see the love that He has for me through the people who I have been blessed beyond measure to know, to call my friends, and to consider my family. Family is not only the people who I am related to by blood, but I sincerely think that I have an amazing family of friends who love me for me, even when I don't love myself so much. I am blessed beyond measure and I love each and everyone of you more than you could possibly imagine. I am working on learning to love myself, but for the time being the love that you all have for me buoys me up, lifts me out of my darkness, and helps me to begin to try and see myself the way that I am seen through your eyes, and the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I am not perfect. I have many faults, flaws, and weaknesses. I am not the best friend ever, but I hope that no one ever questions whether or not I truly love them, because I love my friends and family more than anyone can ever even guess.  

So, these are just a few of the quotes that spoke to me and hit me hard. I hope that this gives kind of an idea as to where I am at right now. Things are definitely not perfect, but things are getting better every day. Thank you everyone for putting up with my crazy and for not just writing me off. I don't know how you do it, but you all mean so much to me. I am working on just learning to live life and love more fully. I am trying to learn to love myself more and figure out exactly who I am. I am learning a lot, experiencing a lot, and trying to figure out what I want and who I want to become. This was a rambly post, I know, and I think if I had to summarize it, it would be the importance of my friends in my life, the importance of being a friend, and the importance of recognizing that while life is not perfect and pain will come, I am never as alone as I think that I am. I love you all, and I want you all to know if there is ANYTHING that you need, know that I will drop everything to help and be there for you. I love and appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this long, rambly, blog post.