Cursed Child - What I Learned

It has been a little while since I blogged . . . Quite some time actually. First and foremost, I don't know how you all  put up with me. I am pretty crazy and full of drama, so to those of you who have stuck around during my craziness, you are amazing and I love and appreciate you more than you can know.

Life has taken some interesting turns recently. I say interesting because I am trying to stay positive. In reality I have not been in a good place recently, kind of emotionally and spiritually struggling, but let's be honest, I am REALLY good at being quite dramatic and making things a lot more difficult and challenging than they need to be. I am REALLY good at that. I seem to make overreact and make things seem worse than they really are, but that is just how I am. Because of a lot of difficult situations that I have put myself in, I have been brought down really low emotionally and spiritually, having some pretty strong doubts and having a hard time seeing the light in the darkness. I have had some pretty difficult times, but don't we all? I am not writing this asking for sympathy or for you to pity me, just to be able to let you know where my frame of mind has been recently. I haven't been myself, and am trying to figure out who I am. If I am honest, I have thought to myself, "How will I be remembered when I die? What is there about me that people will know and remember? How do people think of me right now? All there is about me is that I am overly obsessed with Titanic, addicted to Once Upon A Time, and an uber fan of Harry Potter. What else is there about me?"

This brings me to Harry Potter. Ha ha ha! Right? I just sit and say that I don't want to only be remembered for my crazy obsession with Harry Potter and then I immediately bring it up. This weekend saw the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts 1 & 2. This is the script for the 8th story in the series. I was SUPER excited about it. I mean, obviously, it is the next story in the greatest series of all time, the series that changed and saved my life growing up. I felt like I was going home to Hogwarts as I downloaded the book on my iPad. It was different because it was a script and not a novel. I found myself wishing that it were a novel most of the time, if not the whole time, but it was still really good. Was it the greatest part of the series? No. Was it the worst? No. Did I love it? Yes, most definitely. It was better than I expected. The thing is, I felt like the script was speaking directly to me. I felt like the script was released in the perfect time for where I am at in my life right now. There were many things that felt like I was reading about my own life and reading a lot of advice that I needed to hear. There were so many profound quotes in the script that have stuck with me since I read it Saturday night. Also, Albus is one of my favorite characters in the series and reading his story was like reading my story in a lot of ways, at least that's how I saw it.

Now I am not going to spoil the play for anyone who hasn't read it, but I am going to share some quotes from it and then discuss how the quotes have spoken to me. So, be warned, there are direct quotes coming from the play . . . 

"Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe." Dumbledore's wisdom . . . This quote is absolutely profound. I have been looking for a lot of answers recently, a lot of answers to a lot of questions that I have been having, and I love Dumbledore's answer that there is no perfect answer. The world is not perfect, and even though we can find happiness, we will NEVER be exempt from pain either. The knowledge that pain will come is real, and it is part of the human experience. It is part of the human experience to feel pain. It is human. Something that I have noticed recently though is that I have been able to see something through this pain that I have been in, and that is something that I have taken from Dumbledore's quote where he says to be honest to those you love and show your pain. I complain a lot about parts of my life. I am pretty open with a couple of people who know a lot more about anything that I have been going through than anyone else, and that is because I love them and trust them beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that is profound I think. In discussing something this morning with a coworker I said something like, "I am just afraid that my friends are going to get sick and tired of me, that they are going to be like, 'Kevin is just too dramatic and sad and I don't want anything to do with him anymore,' and that idea freaks me out," to which my coworker responded, "Kevin, the people who actually love you will never do that. They will feel sad that you are hurting, they will want to help, and they will be there for you no matter what you are going through. You will see the people who are truly your friends and who love you no matter what you are going through." That is so true, and I love my friends. 

"DELPHI: Albus needs you, Scorpius. That’s a wonderful thing. SCORPIUS: He needs me to do what? DELPHI: That’s the thing, isn’t it? About friendships. You don’t know what he needs. You only know he needs it. Find him, Scorpius. You two — you belong together." This scene kind of hit me pretty hard. A lot of things had happened up to this point in the play that lead to this conversation, and I think that it is important to note that this is a key to friendship, one that I am learning through a lot of recent experiences. You don't always know what the other person needs, but you know that they need something. Sometimes it is just a text saying that you are thinking about them. Sometimes it is an invite to go see a movie. Sometimes it is just a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. I had a couple of experiences like this over the past little while that have resonated deeply with me about this plain and simple sentence. So I had been praying for a little while for something very specific. I had been praying that someone would offer to give me a blessing. I know, I know, I should ask for a blessing if I need one, but I honestly didn't want to ask for one because, well, I don't know why, but anyways, I had been praying for almost a week that someone would offer to give me a blessing. Well, I was having an extremely rough day. I think that everything was finally catching up to me and the stress of everything was reaching a boiling point and I was reaching my breaking point. I went home sick from work, because on top of all of the emotional crap, I was physically sick. Well, a friend of mine texted me and we were talking and he invited me to go to dinner with some of his friends, but I was sick so I just thanked him for the invite but told him I would have to take a raincheck. He asked if he could bring me anything and I jokingly said, "Well, I would never say no to a slurpee, but no, you are fine. Have fun with your friends!" and I wasn't expecting anything. A couple of hours later I got a text that said, "So, what flavor of slurpee do you want?" and he brought me a slurpee. We got to talking for an hour or so and he said, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I just said, "I don't know. I can't think of anything." "Do you want a blessing?" I just nodded and silently thanked God for an answer to a prayer. I cried the entire blessing because things were said that I needed to hear, and the spirit was strong. This friend said some things that I know came directly from God to me and I am beyond grateful that he was in tune with the spirit to be able to recognize that that was what I needed. He said stuff that I have hinted towards, but that I am not sure that I had actually said out loud, which to me showed the amount of care, concern, and love that my dear friend has for me. He came over not knowing what I needed, but he has been a dear friend to me, one of the greatest I have ever had, and I am grateful for that. Now I just need to actually follow through with the things I was counseled to do in the blessing and then actually be the kind of friend that he is to me. I don’t think that I always reciprocate the love and amazingness that people give to me, but I am working on it. 

"After I came out of hospital — everyone ignored me, shut me out — other than, that is, the boy who had everything — who came across the Gryffindor common room and challenged me to a game of Exploding Snap. People think they know all there is to know about you, but the best bits of you are — have always been — heroic in really quiet ways. My point is — after this is over, just remember if you could that sometimes people — but particularly children — just want someone to play Exploding Snap with." THIS! Amen to this. Amen to all of this. Sometimes people don't need a hero to solve all of their problems, but they need the hero who just invites them to do stuff, and there have been quite a few heroes who have done that for me over the past little while. A friend who invites me to dinner with him and his other friend. A couple of friends who get me out of the house to watch a hilarious movie with them to try and distract myself and get me out of my situation. A friend who goes to Lagoon with me and makes sure that I am doing okay. A friend who texts me in the morning and says, "Hey Kevin, how are you doing today? You doing okay?" I was told, "Kevin, God knows that you need tangible evidences of the love that He has for you, and a portion of that comes through the people that have come into your life, the people you have known your whole life and the people who you haven't known for a long time but feel like you have known for many lifetimes," and I know that that is absolutely true. I know that I am hard headed, that I am not super good at recognizing God's hand and love in my life, but when I look at it objectively, I can see the love that He has for me through the people who I have been blessed beyond measure to know, to call my friends, and to consider my family. Family is not only the people who I am related to by blood, but I sincerely think that I have an amazing family of friends who love me for me, even when I don't love myself so much. I am blessed beyond measure and I love each and everyone of you more than you could possibly imagine. I am working on learning to love myself, but for the time being the love that you all have for me buoys me up, lifts me out of my darkness, and helps me to begin to try and see myself the way that I am seen through your eyes, and the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I am not perfect. I have many faults, flaws, and weaknesses. I am not the best friend ever, but I hope that no one ever questions whether or not I truly love them, because I love my friends and family more than anyone can ever even guess.  

So, these are just a few of the quotes that spoke to me and hit me hard. I hope that this gives kind of an idea as to where I am at right now. Things are definitely not perfect, but things are getting better every day. Thank you everyone for putting up with my crazy and for not just writing me off. I don't know how you do it, but you all mean so much to me. I am working on just learning to live life and love more fully. I am trying to learn to love myself more and figure out exactly who I am. I am learning a lot, experiencing a lot, and trying to figure out what I want and who I want to become. This was a rambly post, I know, and I think if I had to summarize it, it would be the importance of my friends in my life, the importance of being a friend, and the importance of recognizing that while life is not perfect and pain will come, I am never as alone as I think that I am. I love you all, and I want you all to know if there is ANYTHING that you need, know that I will drop everything to help and be there for you. I love and appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this long, rambly, blog post.