Late Night Ramblings

I've shared this before, but I am sharing it again. I have spent the past couple of hours looking at my life and am realizing just how true this scene is. Honestly, and as cheesy as it sounds, this scene changed my life. Just read these words and let them sink in:

"And what exactly do you think fairy tales are? They are a reminder that our lives will get better if we just hold onto hope. Your happy ending may not be what you expect, but that is what will make it so special. . . . Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing."

These words changed my life. I know that it sounds cheesy and ridiculous. I can just see people reading this going, "Really, Kevin? You are just obsessed with this show. No TV show can have that much power on a person. It is just a TV show, a scripted drama. Don't be crazy." Well, this show has had some great impact in my life because of many a great scene. I could talk about how I am basically the male version of Emma (see episode 5X10 where Emma says, "When I'm scared that's when my walls go up that's when I stop trusting the people around me you know this."). I could talk about how I relate to Zelena and how she just wants someone to love her for who she is, how she just wants love in her life. (Season 5X21 where she says, "All I ever wanted was love.") I could talk about a million things, but I am going to focus on this once scene, the scene where Henry gets the book and where I realized a great many things.

Hope is extremely powerful. President Uchtdorf said during general conference in October 2008, "Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence-when this desire of our heart is delayed-can make 'the heart sick.'" I have to agree with President Uchtdorf on this one. The absence of hope CAN, and DOES, make the heart sick. Been there. Done that. It wasn't fun. The heart truly hurts when you are out of hope and you just are forcing yourself to keep going. President Uchtdorf went on to say, "Moroni in his solitude-even after having witnessed the complete destruction of his people-believed in hope. In the twilight of the Nephite nation, Moroni wrote that without hope we cannot receive an inheritance in the kingdom of God." If the last Nephite around thought that hope was extremely important, I think that we can all agree that it is important.

Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing. It is an EXTREMELY powerful thing. This can be linked to many different places in life, not just for the very distant future (even though I do link it towards my distant future, but more on that later). For example, after my 5th wrist surgery and the realization that my life was about to take a very different course than I had been planning for the previous 10 years, I had to find the hope that I could find something that would be fulfilling and bring me the joy that ASL had up until that point. I had to have hope that I would find something that brought me joy and happiness, and I found that. I found a career that brings me incredible joy, not only because I love the work that I do both in the office and freelancing, but it has lead to some incredible circumstances that I would not have had otherwise. This simple "happy ending" was possible because I had hope. I was lead to find a job that brings me much satisfaction with people who I love and care about deeply, and who love and care about me as well. I was able to believe that I would one day finish school, and I am not a college graduate. I have had many small happy endings in my life, and I am grateful for them and that I found the hope to continue moving forward.

Like I said earlier, tonight I have spent a lot of time looking back at my life and realizing just how absolutely amazing it really and truly is. The past couple of weeks have been turning points in my life where I have come to realize a lot of things about myself, about what I want in my life, and about a lot of things. I have been happier in the past couple of weeks than I have been in any other time of my life other than the mission. Things are changing in my world, and I have many reasons to be grateful. I have come to realize a lot of things, but one of the greatest things that I have come to see is the worth that I have and have felt a different kind of light in my life. Through many conversations with a lot of dear friends, I have learned a lot of things and my outlook on life, and more importantly on myself, have changed. I had a conversation with a good friend the other day that had me in tears, but they were tears of joy. It was a personal conversation, so I'm going to keep it that way, but it was something that changed my outlook. This conversation, while probably didn't mean very much to this friend, meant more to me than anyone could even know. Recently my life has been very different. I have had some losses, but I have gained some incredible things, and I am happier now than ever before. I am finally starting to become the man that I have always wanted to be. I am recognizing the worth that I have, beginning to find what I truly want in life, and it has been amazing. I love the person that I am. I love the people who are in my life, who love and support me in all that I do. I love the dear friends that I have, who have stuck by me through good times and bad times and never given up on me. I am grateful for a friend who calls it like it is and isn't afraid to just be honest and truthful with me in every situation, but also supports me and loves me for me, no pretenses or fakeness (I love you buddy so much!). I am grateful for a friend who has made me feel like I am of worth, like I am important, and who has helped me deal with some walls that I have put up in my life and a lot of my insecurities. I am grateful for a friend who treats me like one of the family. I am grateful for a friend who has helped me to realize a great many things about myself and has allowed me to just be me. I am just truly grateful for the friends that I have and I wouldn't be the person I am without them.

My life right now looks nothing like I had planned for it to be while growing up, and I am completely grateful for that. My happy ending may not be what I expected it to be while growing up, in fact I can almost guarantee that, but that is what will make it special and a wonderful adventure. I am learning to just let go and take life as it comes at me, and it has been absolutely wonderful. Do I know what the future holds? Nope. Not at all, and that is okay. Do I know what tomorrow brings? Nope, not even remotely, and that is wonderful. The search for my happily ever after is a life-long journey, and one that I know I don't have to make alone because of the INCREDIBLE people in my life. I am going to find it though. I have that hope. So, long story short, that scene changed my life. I don't know what to expect for my happy ending, but I know that it is going to be special and that I will, one day, find it.

Blessed through Authenticity

“Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.” This is from Brené Brown, Ph.D. Living authentically is difficult, but brings about a lot of change. This is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been working on living more authentically and allowing myself to be vulnerable, and it has been wonderful. It has been challenging, but it has also been extremely rewarding. I have found that I have been able to have better relationships with my friends, have better communication with the people that I care about, and have been overall happier. Being authentic, without fear of what people will think of me, has allowed me to strengthen my friendships, allowed people to get to really know the deeper parts of me not just the surface level portions, has increased the trust I have with those closest to me, and has allowed me to experience some extremely great moments of joy because I feel like people are understanding who I am and what I am going through and have been able to help me feel loved, accepted, validated, and understood. There are many recent experiences in my life that I could talk about, but I am just going to share a few that, to me, are examples of how my life has been blessed by trying to become more authentic and allowing people to see and know the real me.

There is a friend of mine who just happens to always seems to see me in my most emotional state. I think that it is his goal for me to cry every single time we hangout (but let's be honest, I cry over everything, so it isn't hard to do). He has the most gorgeous singing voice ever and likes to sing sad songs in the car and it never fails that I end up crying because I was blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with freely-flowing emotions. Clayson is one of those people who I can talk to about anything and everything, knowing fully well that I will get a completely honest, heartfelt, and loving answer. He knows a lot about me, probably more than most people because I just talk to him openly and honestly without filtering my life. I have a lot of trust in him and know that if I needed someone I could call him anytime and he would be there for me to listen without any judgment, and I would get the best advice possible. I know this because I have many experiences that prove that. He knows some of my struggles, insecurities, fears, and most recently some crippling doubts that I have been feeling. He has listened to me when my testimony has been struggling, allowed me to vent my frustrations with many different aspects of my life, and has done more for me than he could possibly know. I respect him a lot. I look up to him a lot. I am immeasurably grateful for his friendship. Well, yesterday I was sitting in church and my phone buzzed. I looked down and read a text message from my incredible friend and immediately had tears welling up in my eyes. The text was something that I needed to hear, and how else would he know what I have been feeling had I not been authentic and vulnerable with him? " . . . I know you don't know how much that's true, so start realizing it! God loves you so much and is so proud of you, whether or not you know it or believe it . . ." This simple and sweet text message touched my heart and brought some light to some darkness I have been feeling. Clayson knows better than most people what I have been going through because I have no filter when I am talking to him (and he probably wishes that I did sometimes, ha ha ha!) and it is because I have been honest, open, real, and allowed him to know the real me. I will never understand how I got blessed to have a friend like this, one who will drop everything and be there for his friends. I will be forever grateful for my incredible friend, a friend who just accepts me for me, allows me to be myself, crazy decisions and all, and is always willing to allow me to just be me. He has been a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board when I am struggling, and a voice of reason when I feel like I am going crazy. I am grateful to have a friend like you buddy. This is just one example of the many that I could choose from of how something Clayson has said or done has had an impact on me and my life. Thanks buddy!

The other night as I was in bed and could not fall asleep for the life of me. Nothing new, what with 26 years worth of experience not sleeping, but I just was bored, stuck in my own thoughts, and was just feeling like I didn't want to just lay in bed anymore. The thought came to my mind, "I would love to just have someone to talk to right now," and at that very moment my phone started to ring. One of my best friends, John, was calling. We talked on the phone for almost an hour and it was wonderful. We just talked about everything and anything, and it was so much fun. He is a great person to talk to. He is authentic, real, and just fun to talk to. We just talk and laugh, but at the same time are able to be serious and real. It is great. When I talk to him I just feel happy because I know that I am talking to a friend who really cares about me, who sincerely wants to know about my life, and who I feel the same way about. If you know me you will know that small talk is not my favorite thing, and with him there isn't really any small talk that happens. I know that he sincerely is interested in me, and I am sincerely interested in his life, and we actually talk. I was feeling lonely and wanting someone to talk to and suddenly my phone rang. God was answering a prayer for me, and I couldn’t help but thank my Heavenly Father for having one of my favorite people give me a call. Then I got to spend the next morning with him and continue having an incredible conversation. With him I can just be myself, and he can just be himself, and it is wonderful I spent the last 14 years of my life trying to pretend to be someone that I am not. I was pretending to fit the mold. I was pretending to be someone that I thought I needed to be because I thought that if anyone knew the real me they wouldn't accept me. I have learned through being with people like this friend that I am loved for who I really am. I am okay to be me. Sure I have my set of difficulties, trials, needs, wants, fears, and doubts, but that is okay. I can be myself and be loved for it. I have learned that living more authentically has allowed me to gain more confidence in myself, allowed me to accept the things about me that I never wanted to accept before, and helped me to realize that I am okay just the way that I am. People love me for me. People love the real me. My world didn’t end when I came out. In a way it began anew because I wasn’t pretending to be someone else. I have been learning to just be myself, and I am loving it. Thanks John for letting me just be myself and for being such a great friend.

I am just profoundly grateful for the joy that has come into my life from trying to live more authentically and not worrying about what people will think of me. I am making decisions not based off of what others will think or presume about me, and it has been great. I am not perfect at it and there are some things that I do that immediately I think, “What is _________ going to think or say?” For example, a month ago I got a tattoo. I don’t regret it, and I have my reasons for why I got it, so let’s not make a big deal about it. As soon as it was finished I immediately said to myself, “I love this! It is exactly what I wanted. I wonder what Alex is going to think about this . . .” I didn’t tell a lot of people I was getting it, so it was kind of shocking for people to see it, and I was kind of afraid of reactions. I went to the Priesthood Session of Conference with Alex (well, we watched it at his Aunt’s house) and it was great, but I was nervous for him to see my tattoo, but in an effort to be authentic I just showed it to him (after making him REALLY worried about me. Long story . . .). All he said was, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” and that meant a lot to me. I don’t even think that I need to say more about the blessing that this friend is in my life. The words, “I love you for you, tattoo and all,” speak volumes to me, and I think that it comes from trying to live my life in a way that feels more real, that feels like I am being myself. You are wonderful Alex, and I am grateful for you. I am allowing myself to be seen and known for the real Kevin, as opposed to trying to be someone that I thought everyone wanted me to be.

Since October my life has changed. I first started trying to be authentic to myself, and then slowly began opening up and being myself with more and more people, and the blessings of doing so have been innumerable. I have become friends with some of the most wonderful people in the world. I have gained important and significant friendships with people I care deeply about (Bradley, Kenneth, Luke, Erik, Neil, Michael, Bryce), strengthened the friendships with people super important to me (Carolyn, Victoria, Chad, Rebecca, Ruthann), and have stronger and more fulfilling relationships with my family. I have moved out of my parent’s house which has lead to many opportunities for me. I have been learning who I am, what I want out of my life, and learning that people really do love me for the person that I am. I have learned that by living authentically and being more vulnerable can bring so much joy. I have started to be able to not worry so much about what people think of me, and am worrying more about just being me. Life is too short to live with a mask on, and taking mine off has been one of the greatest things that I have ever done.