First I have to say thank you to some people. I am not going to mention any names, but you know who you are. I have been going through some things recently, and there have been a few people who have done more for me than they can possibly know or even comprehend. A friend of mine who I grew up with texted me out of the blue one day and just said, "Hey Kevin :) I was thinking about you today and thought I would send you a text. It seems like you have been struggling a bit. Is there anything I can do for you?" A friend from high school messaged me on Facebook out of the blue and said, "Hey Kevin! This is totally random but I have been wanting to send you a message just letting you know I have been thinking about you. You have seemed down lately and I hope you know that you are an awesome person and if I can ever help with anything I am here for you!" My mom sent me a random text that said, "Been thinking about you today. Just wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you are my son and I love you!"Another friend out of the blue texted and said, "Let's go get Froyo" when I was feeling down. Another friend watched some of my favorite movie of all time, even though it isn't his favorite movie, just because he loves me. Another friend stayed up super later than usual for him when I was having an EXTREMELY rough day so that I had someone to talk to, saying, "Yes, I will be tired tomorrow, but you are more important than my sleep." My roommate always makes me feel important and validated. A family friend just gave me a hug out of nowhere. Another family in the ward made sure I know how much I am loved by saying, "We love you Kev and you always have a place here with us. If you need a place to go , to vent, or someone to talk to, we are here for you." Friends came to support me as I sang in church, some of them changing their plans so that they could be there to cheer me on. I am surrounded by love and people who care about me, and it isn't out of nowhere, it is an answer to many, MANY prayers. As much as I want to just throw in the towel sometimes, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and, as I have been told during a blessing before, He has put people in my life who love me and care about me as an extension of HIS love for me. The list goes on and on and I could spend an entire blog post just thanking people personally for the love that they have shown to me, but I would rather do that in person. This is just a way for me to quickly show how the hand of the Lord has been in my life, even when I haven't been wanting to see it or feeling deserving of His love for me.
So life is hard, and life is not fair. Life can be absolutely ridiculous sometimes, and it is sometimes more than I can deal with. I was venting to one of my friends last week and this week he sent me a talk that was given during last April's General Conference by Elder Oaks that is titled, "Opposition in All Things." I don't remember this talk when it was given, but as I read it I thought to myself, "Alright, this is for me." So, I think that I am going to recap some of the stuff that stuck out to me in the talk and then add some personal stories to tie into it.
Elder Oaks said, "Satan's proposal would have ensured perfect equality: it would 'redeem all mankind,' that not one soul would be lost. There would be no agency or choice by anyone and, therefore, no need for opposition. There would be no test, no failure, and no success. There would be no growth to attain the purpose the Father desired for His children." I am going to admit that sometimes I think to myself, "You know, Satan's plan made a lot of sense." Agency is a blessing, but sometimes I feel like it is a curse because I don't always make the best choices. Then I think about all that I have been taught and all that I understand about life before I was born and I remind myself that Satan's version of the plan is stupid. How boring would it be if we all came here and were the same? How boring would it be to not be able to make any choices at all? Even though I don't always make good choices, I recognize so much the joy that comes when I DO choose the better path. How would I know this joy though if I never had the chance to make mistakes? I am grateful for agency, even though it is difficult. I need to have the opposition between good and bad, and better and best, choices so that I can learn and grow to become the man my Heavenly Father want me to become.
"All of us experience various kinds of opposition that test us. Some of these tests are temptations to sin. Some are mortal challenges apart from personal sin. Some are very great. Some are minor. Some are continuous, and some are mere episodes. None of us is exempt. Opposition permits us to grow toward what our Heavenly Father would have us become." This paragraph kind of hit home to me. My life is hard sometimes, and when I look completely inward of course it is hard. What I don't always do is look around and see that, in reality, my life is no more challenging than anyone else, it is just challenging in a different way. Complete transparency here, I feel bitter about a lot of things. I had a conversation in the car with one of my friends where I was just complaining and being bitter and angry about a certain circumstance in my life. So this friend of mine pretty much knows me better than anyone on the planet and he, bless his heart, always lets me vent and talk to him. I am pretty forthright with him and share pretty much everything because I trust him and value his opinion and he has helped me always. So I was complaining while we were driving and being kind of bitter about something. I was sharing a fear that I have, and that I had never vocalized, and he said to me, "Is the church true?" I responded, "Of course I know it is true." and he said, "Then this fear doesn't need to be a fear. We have been taught that we are all entitled to the same blessings, so you don't need to be afraid of this. Yes, this mortal life can suck sometimes and be really hard and challenging, but as long as we do our part we will all be blessed the same. So, if the church is true you don't need to worry." That has been on my mind since he said that to me and I can't stop thinking about that. The question, "Is the church true?" I can answer without a doubt that I KNOW it is true, so his response of, "Then you don't need to worry about that fear," is so true. I had a similar conversation with one of my favorite people on earth at church today. We were chatting after church and talking about some of the difficulties that we both have been going through and the trials that we have and she said, "Kevin, I know that God will make up for it in the end. While it is COMPLETELY unfair for both of us, in different ways, I have to believe that God knows us, loves us, and will make up for it in the end. I don't understand why we all have to go through the things that we go through, but I wouldn't come to a church that teaches what we teach here if I didn't know it were true and I didn't know that God would make it all better." This is so true. Two different conversations with two different, amazing people who basically said the same thing. It is true and I have to believe it. While it doesn't make it any easier, I am going to choose to believe that God will make it better in the end and that I am not just going to get to the next life and be told, "Well, sucks to be you." He will make it better and I will not be denied any blessing that I have been promised. It doesn't make it easy to endure, but at least I know that I am not having to endure alone and I have people who love and care about me.
"Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. . . . . Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father . . . knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each on of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure." This was where I was like, "Well there is the slap in the face. Can I really endure?" I need to have the strength to endure this life, and it comes from truly living the gospel. I have to make the choice. I can't just go at it halfway and hope for the best. Sometimes that is all I can do, is have hope, because, "Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing," but it is really a lot harder than I expected. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times as I have poured my heart out to the Lord in recent months. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried multiple times with some of my closest friends as I opened up to them about some of my doubts, fears, and issues. I used to think that my crying was something to be embarrassed about, but I have come to accept that it is just part of me. I was talking with a friend and was like, "I don't want to talk about me because then I will start crying," and he said, "Kevin, it's you, you cry, and there is nothing wrong with that." Yup, I cry, so if you have seen me cry, you know that I love and trust you. ;) Heavenly Father loves us and knows each and every one of us. While life isn't fair, it was n ever meant to be. I still sometimes don't know where I really belong, and I think that that is not fair, but I am working on it. I still don't think it is fair that I watch family and friends get married, have kids, and enjoy the blessings of a temple marriage while I am just S.O.L. on that aspect. It is not fair that I don't feel like I belong in a singles ward but then also don't feel like I contribute to a family ward. There is a lot that is not fair in my mind, but then again there is a lot that I have to be thankful for in my life that is beyond fair. Because of what I have sometimes deemed to be unfair, I have been lead to some of the greatest people in my life who have become some of my very best friends. I have seen the hand of the Lord lifting me up and helping me to gain some unique and special perspectives. I have been able to learn more about who I am and who the Lord wants me to be (this is a work in progress . . . I still don't know it all, but I am working on that). I have been able to be more empathetic and sympathetic, and have gained a larger family, because I consider my closest friends to be my family as well. My life, while not perfect, is pretty amazing when I step back and look at it from an outside perspective. When I take a second and think about my blessings as opposed to my perceived injustices, I am beyond blessed.
So, opposition is necessary in life, but in my current hell I have seen a lot of blessings as well. I am not perfect by any means. I don't always love myself and there is so much that I wish I could change about myself and my life, but I am okay. Life is a process and I am learning to take things one day at a time. So, for those of you who have stuck by me and been there for me always, I love you more than you could even imagine. I am beyond grateful for you and for what you have done to touch my life and build me up. To those of you who send me random text messages out of nowhere, you have been answers to prayers that I have been saying, pleading with the Lord to feel of His love for me. To the people in my life who know the real me, the Kevin who doesn't hide anything, I say thank you for being you and allowing me to be open and be myself.. Thank you for making me feel safe and loved, even when I don't always love myself. I love you all so much and don't want to imagine my life without you in it. As usual I am not going to go back and edit or censor this, so these are my ramblings, so I hope that it is coherent and makes some semblance of sense. Anyhow, life is hard, but it is worth it if we endure. God is good and He loves us all! If I have learned anything in the past few months it is that God loves each of us individually and although life may not seem fair, He knows better and if we can only learn to trust Him, it will all work out in the end. I am trying to believe that more fully. So, as my friend asked me, "Is the church true?" I say it is, and that means we have nothing to fear and everything will work out in the end.
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