I recently spend a weekend at my family condo, and it was absolutely wonderful. I had no responsibilities, had no plans, and didn't have to worry about anything. I was able to just relax and not worry about life, and it was totally needed. I pretty much just vegged out and watched movies all day. You might be saying, "But Kevin, that is what you do all day every day anyways, so how is this different?" and you would be accurate in thinking this, because pretty much all I do is watch movies all day every day, but it is different to be away from home and away from the world. I really love being up there, but it was nice to come back as well.
Last week I had the chance to talk to a couple of people about some of the things that have been going on in my life, and these conversations have lead to a lot of time spent thinking, pondering, planning, wishing, dreaming, longing, mourning, confusion, arguing, and crying. Sometimes I wish that there were some clearer answers to the difficult things in life, but there aren't, and it comes down to just having faith sometimes, taking a step into the darkness, and trusting in God, which I am realizing that I am not so good at, but I am working on it. Many things have lead up to these conversations that I had the past week, and I am grateful for the three people I am going to write about, not by name, but they know who they are, and for the things that were said and the love that was shown.
I had a name pop into my mind a couple of Sundays ago of someone I should reach out to and ask for some advice, so I messaged this person and thought little of it. I pretty much just poured out my heart about some of the things that I have been feeling and thought, "Well, she will either respond or not, but at least I put it out there," and the next day I got a response saying she would like to talk to me in person. The next week I went out to her house and we had a really nice talk. Tears were shed, testimonies were born, and I was able to have some things put in perspective that I hadn't wanted to acknowledge before. I was reminded that there are some very different paths that I have before me, and while there are many different variations and different perspectives on these, I am just going to share the black and white versions. The first is to attempt to have relationships with women, ultimately working towards a temple marriage and a family. The second is to pursue a relationship with a man and more than likely leave the church. The third is to live a life as a single man in the church. There are varying places within each of these options, but I am just going to focus on the black and white version of them, and not the gray areas. All three of these are 100% valid choices and all three of them could possibly bring happiness, and all three of them could possibly bring sorrow and pain. I have tried the relationships with women option, and it brought a lot of sorrow and pain to me. For me, that isn't an option (and believe me, I have had MANY an angry conversation with God on this one throughout my life). I have accepted that that is not in the cards for me. A relationship with a man would be the next one to discuss, but I am not going to discuss that one in a lot of depth or detail because to the world this seems like the logical choice. Many people have said to me, "Kevin, you are gay, so I hope that you find a man that makes you happy," and while part of me would welcome that and even desires it, I feel a much stronger pull towards the third choice, that of living life as a single man in the church. Does that sound super appealing? No, not really, but I have had to do a lot of soul searching recently due to a lot of things going on in my life and when it comes down to it, that is the choice that feels right to me. Is it easy? No, not at all. I will be completely open and honest, the idea of living life without someone to love and someone who loves me back is pretty daunting and scary, but as I have said in earlier blog posts there are many different forms of love, and everyone demonstrates their love differently. My friends and family love me for me, and the ones who truly love me will always be there for me and I will be there for them. I know that there are people who love me unconditionally, and I am grateful for them, so I am not really alone. All of the different options for going through life are completely valid and acceptable options, and when my dear friend brought these up to me I had a moment of introspection and thought, "Alright, Kevin, let's be completely honest here, which are you going to choose?" I need to start having an eternal perspective as opposed to thinking about the here and now as much as I do.
This same friend helped me to realize something else, and that is the fact that no matter what choices we make, God will always love us. God loves each and every one of us because we are His children. What do you have to do to earn His love? Absolutely nothing. You do not have to do a single thing to earn His love. You are worthy of His love in this exact moment, no matter what you are doing. My friend said to me, "Kevin, you are enough. You don't have to earn His love because He already is giving it to you, in every moment." and then of course I started to cry. I have this idea that love has to be earned and that I am constantly not worthy of it, from myself or from others. I love my family and my friends, more than they could possibly understand or imagine, but because of the idea that I have to earn love from others I am constantly trying to find ways to earn it from them because I don't think that I am worthy of it just by being me. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I see it. I don't understand how I can love others so much, but not believe that anyone could love me unconditionally or without any caveats. It is interesting, but I realized that God loves me as I am, and He invites me to come unto Him, and I can through my Savior Jesus Christ. The ultimate being in the universe sent His son to come to this earth and suffer all things because He loved each and every one of us. My Savior knows me, better than I know myself, and knows exactly what I am feeling and going through at this very moment. He knows my secret pains, my secret heartaches, and my innermost desires. He knows the trials I have, knows the pains I feel, and knows how discouraged I feel at times. He knows, and He is here with me even when I don't want to recognize it, all for the simple fact that He loves me. He has sent people in my life to show that love, and although I am really good at making up stories or pushing people away, I know that He has done that and that the people who truly care about me aren't going anywhere. Life happens and I have felt like I have been dealing with a lot recently, but there are a few people I have been able to open up to and talk about everything, with all of the details, and they haven't written me off yet, and I take that as a demonstration of the love that my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. While they can't physically be here with me, they are here through the angels that they have sent in my life. Long story short, we are all worthy of God's love and we don't have to do anything to earn that. Sure, there are blessings that come from obedience and consequences that come from sin, but that doesn't mean that we are loved any differently than anyone else dependent on the choices that we make.
I have THE MOST AMAZING home teacher ever. Two Sundays ago he came home teaching and he asked how we were doing, and when it got to me I thought, "Screw it, I am not going to pretend that I am completely okay," so I pretty much said just that, "I'm alright. There are some good things and a lot of horrible things, but I am surviving," and of all the things he could respond with, the one he responded with brought tears to my eyes. "I am sorry to hear that Kevin, but you are loved and I am here for you if there is anything I can do for you, I will do it." The next day we planned to go and get some dinner and we just talked. I opened up to him about a lot of things that have been weighing me down and he listened and let me vent and open up, and there was nothing but understanding and love poured out to me. He gave me a lot of great advice, but the one that stuck out to me was to find what makes me happy and do it. I am (relatively) young and have my whole life ahead of me. I can either let life happen, or I can make something of it, so that is what I am working on doing. While life is not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination, nor is it what I had planned while growing up, my life is unique and special, and I am going to make it that. I have so many opportunities ahead of me, and I plan on living life to the fullest. He reminded me that yes, I can look at my life as being difficult and hard because it is, it is also full of opportunities that others don't have. Being single can be depressing, but it can also be full of joy and wonder as I have so many opportunities that married people don't have. If I want to go on a long vacation to, let's say London next year, I can do it with relative ease. If I want to go on an adventure of any kind I pretty much can without too much hesitation because I don't have the same obligations as others. This helped to kind of shock me out of the funk that I have been in because I am realizing that my life is not a curse, it is a blessing. It is a HUGE blessing that I have not been taking advantage of. My incredible home teacher, who is more than a home teacher but is truly a friend, reminded me of the simple fact that I am a son of God with incredible potential, that my life is a blessing, and that I can make more out of it than I have been. Fear has been holding me back, but I shouldn't be afraid to go on adventures, to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy the hand that has been dealt to me. Thank you my good friend for helping me to realize how blessed I truly am.
So, yes, this was another rambling post that I feel is kind of all over the place, but as a friend told me last week, that is okay. It is real and raw and it kind of gives you a glimpse of me. There have been many other conversations that have been like these ones, but if I kept going with them this post would never end. I am blessed with some incredible people in my life who love me and support me, and who I love and support in all they do. I am REALLY good at pushing people away and building walls up, so those of you who have stuck around and are a part of my life, I love you more than you can imagine and I am grateful for you. I apologize for my faults and weaknesses, and I am grateful for your love and acceptance of me. Wow, this post got pretty rambly and makes little sense, but then again I don't make much sense so I guess it works . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment