The Lord's Timing - Sharing Some Thoughts

I have come to realize a lot of things over the past little while. I have come to realize that I shouldn’t be eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night if I really want to lose weight and become healthier. I have come to realize that sleep is definitely overrated and that my most productive hours of the day are between 1:30-3:30 am. I have come to realize that Rose is basically responsible for Jack dying on “Titanic” because although the scene where she jumps back on is the most romantic moment in cinematic history and the movie would definitely not be the same without it, he had incredible survival skills and would have found that door to float on and they would have lived a happy life together. I have come to realize that my love for the character of Zelena is because I love the vulnerability that Rebecca Mader puts into the character, even though she is beyond crazy, she just wants what she can’t have, and that I am basically the male version of Emma. I have come to realize that song lyrics speak to me and have found recently so many songs have messages that are basically my life right now, and they are better at saying what I am feeling/experiencing than I ever could be. All of these things are great realizations to have, but what I have realized more powerfully than anything recently is how important it is to trust in the Lord, have faith in His timing, and to enjoy the little moments of joy that come during difficult times.

If you asked me in September how I was doing, I would have lied to you and said that I was doing great. I would have just pretended that life was absolutely wonderful and that I was, “Living the dream,” (a phrase that I still use to this day, but now it has different meaning). I would have put on a brave face and pretended that all was fine, but inside of me there was a battle that had been raging for as long as I could remember, and it was all starting to come to a head. I would sit in my room and try and just pretend that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. Then general conference came and Elder Holland spoke. At that moment I realized that it was time to accept being gay and move forward with my life. Life has been incredibly different since that day, and it has been absolutely wonderful. Listening to that talk was a life altering experience for me and I am beyond grateful that the Lord spoke to me at that moment, but why at that moment? Why is it that it took me so long to finally accept myself for who I am, a son of God with just an extra dose of love for men (and a non-existent physical attraction towards women)? Why is it that I was living with this constant turmoil? I prayed all the time for answers to figure out what these feelings meant, why they were a part of me, and if I needed to change, but as I listened to Elder Holland speak a wave of peace came over me and the undeniable knowledge that God loves me for me and that He did not expect me to change was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was ready to accept this part of me for myself, and wished that I had done it sooner.

I have thought a lot recently about this. Why was the Lord’s prompting me to come out at this point in my life? Elder Neal A. Maxwell said something that kind of touched on this point. He said, “The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” The part in it that hit home to me was, “. . . our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally.” Obviously the Lord was preparing me for something in my life. He was preparing me in a lot of ways. I came out at the perfect time in my life, and there are various reasons why, but after pondering this for a little bit over the past couple of days, and vocalizing some of the things that I have been thinking and feeling last night, here are some of the conclusions that I have come up with, and they all kind of spiral into a series of events that have changed me as a person.

First and foremost, the Lord wanted me to gain confidence in myself, and find a strength that I didn’t know I had. I have a tendency to wonder and worry about what people are thinking of me. When I debated coming out publicly, my biggest fears were always, “What will so and so think? What will so and so say?” etc. I realized that I was placing to much emphasis on what other people would think and began to change my thought process. I began to realize that if I am not confident in myself, I can’t expect others to be confident in me. If I wanted people to accept me, I had to completely accept myself. I found out that I needed to love every aspect of myself. I needed to love me for me. Once I did and I found the confidence I needed, I began to open up and talk to people and found that my being gay wasn’t as big of a deal to people as I had expected it to be. The reactions I was getting were something like this, “Okay. I love you the same.” and then the conversation just moved on to something else. It wasn’t a big deal, and to me it meant that I was just loved for me. I have found so much love and healing, confidence and trust, and am happier now than I have ever been because I could just be myself. I don’t worry anymore about anyone finding out my “secret” because it isn’t secret anymore, and I don’t know why I was so worried before. I have just found that if it isn’t a big deal to me, then it won’t be a big deal to everyone else. This is just a piece of the puzzle that I am.

Secondly, I was lead to some of the greatest people on the face of the planet. I was lead to find some of the greatest guys on the earth who have become some of the closest friends I could ever ask for. I have found people who accept me for me, welcomed me with open arms, and have become like family to me, supporting me in keeping my covenants, sharing testimonies and temple trips, and teaching me how to be Christlike and full of charity. I have a best friend who is there for always, who listens to my rambling texts, and has been a rock in my life, an example to me of the way to live, and has supported me in many, MANY moments in life, who I can just sit and do nothing with and feel great about my life. I feel like I can just be, and that is great. I have been blessed beyond belief with friends who randomly seem to know when I need a boost, who have shown up with vitamin water when I was sick, who have taken me to dinner when I was feeling down, made me feel valued and loved, sent random texts and seemed to have the exact words that I needed to hear, and who have done so much for me to help me become the person I am becoming. It is NOT a coincidence that I met the people I met when I did, and it is not a coincidence that the Lord put me in the path to find them, because I couldn’t have gotten through the next few months without these people.

I know that I have spoken about this before, but I am just going to do it again because it emphasizes the fact that the Lord knew what He was doing when He prompted me to come out when I did. In December there was a tragedy that occurred, and looking back at my life since October I realize that God prompted me to come out when I did so that I would be able to get through this event. I got the news while I was out to lunch with a dear friend and I kind of went numb, trying to pretend I didn't just read that text. He checked on me every single day after that. I left work a mess and texted one of my favorite people asking if I could come over that night so that I wasn’t alone, and he didn’t even hesitate to let me come over and just held me as I lost it. He and his roommate gave me a blessing and then just let me cry and cry as my best friend comforted me and held me and let me experience all of the emotions that I was experiencing. He let me stay over later than normal that night, sacrificing his sleep to comfort me as I was mourning and feeling sadder than I had ever felt, but knowing that I wasn’t alone and that I had him made it bearable (and he has done that again recently as tragedies have occured). I texted a dear friend from my old Singles Ward on a Saturday as I was losing it emotionally and mentally and his response was, “I’m on my way over. Want to get a bite to eat?” and he just let me talk and cry and rescued me from a very dark place that day. Three of these amazing men came with me to Music and the Spoken Word that Sunday and just comforted me as I cried through the songs (and completely lost it during “God be with you ‘til we meet again”). Someone came to the funeral with me, even though he didn’t know the person, he was just there for me. This was just one experience, albeit a tragic one, that illustrates my point that God wanted me to be out so that He could lead me to find some of these people, because I wouldn’t have met them had I not been out and invited to a Christmas party. There have been amazing times as well, too many to even list. I have become a better person because of some of these people. I have felt God’s love for me through them, and countless others. Whether it was starting the new year watching the greatest movie of all time with the best company imaginable, going to Sundance for the first time ever and being able to cross that off my bucket list, having a gym buddy who motivates me to exercise and face some of my fears, or just having someone to share the good times and the bad times, to be myself with without any pretexts or faces, or expectations. It is not a coincidence that these men are a part of my life. God knew beforehand the things that I was going to be experiencing, and He allowed me to meet the people who would be able to make my burden light, to be there for me in the good times and the bad times, and who have become like a second family to me. I wouldn’t have met these amazing people had I not trusted in the Lord’s time and been willing to accept what He was telling me to do. I love you all!

All of these experiences have allowed me to gain a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have started to be more authentic in my life, and it has allowed me to feel the spirit more. I am not living in a constant state of contention with myself anymore. I don’t feel shame for the attractions that I have. I don’t feel like an outcast anymore. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me or that I need to be fixed. I don’t feel scared anymore about what the future holds. I used to fear all the time that I would end up alone and afraid for the rest of my life, but that is not the case anymore. I have felt the Lord’s hand in my life. I have felt him lift and support me, guide me, and protect me. I have a stronger testimony of my Savior. I have a stronger understanding of the divinity that I have within me, that my “gayness” is not just something that happened but that it is a part of who I was before, who I am now, and will allow for beautiful experiences that I hope to see extended into the eternities. I have the hope for a wife and children (not in this life probably, but in the eternities), but I also have the hope and belief that the relationships that I develop here in this life with my nearest and dearest friends will last on into the eternities. I heard something last night that kind of spoke volumes to me. I remember growing up praying that these feelings would be taken away from me, and now I can’t imagine life without them. They are a part of me and have let me learn and grow in ways that I don’t know how else I would have. I have learned so much about myself, about my Heavenly Father, and have gained a stronger testimony on many, MANY things. I have learned about the need for an eternal perspective, and am enjoying the journey that I am on.

I don’t have all of the answers in life, and I am impatient when it comes to a lot of things, but I do know that I am an eternal being having a mortal experience, and that I need to continue trusting in the Lord and accepting His timetable. I like to plan things out, but I am realizing that my plans are not always the Lord’s, and I am finding that when I just trust in Him, everything seems to turn out right. Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke at BYU in 2002 about the Lord’s timing, and something that he said has been on my mind:

“I return to the subject with which I began. Do not rely on planning every event of your life—even every important event. Stand ready to accept the Lord’s planning and the agency of others in matters that inevitably affect you. Plan, of course, but fix your planning on personal commitments that will carry you through no matter what happens. Anchor your life to eternal principles, and act upon those principles whatever the circumstances and whatever the actions of others. Then you can await the Lord’s timing and be sure of the outcome in eternity.

The most important principle of timing is to take the long view. Mortality is just a small slice of eternity, but how we conduct ourselves here—what we become by our actions and desires, confirmed by our covenants and the ordinances administered to us by proper authority—will shape our destiny for all eternity. As the prophet Amulek taught, “This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God” (Alma 34:32). That reality should help us take the long view—the timing of eternity.”

Mortality is just a small slice of eternity. This life is wonderful. I have experienced a lot of joy, a lot of hope, and a lot of peace since beginning to just accept the Lord’s timetable. Accepting that He is in charge and being willing to do as He asks me to do has been liberating, freeing, and wonderful. Accepting that He loves me for me, all of me, has been the greatest blessing in my life. I hope and pray that I will be able to continue to accept the Lord’s time. I know that I am a son of God, and that He loves me, and that as I continue to just live the best I can, keeping my covenants and not pretending to be anything that I am not, I will be blessed. I love you all and hope that this post makes some kind of sense . . . I seem to be rambly . . .